My WH and I separated 2/14 (DDay 2) after finding porn on his computer following a business trip over seas. I was devastated. DDay was 9/23 - a summer of escorts after his midlife breakdown. He embraced recovery, healing, betrayal trauma model for me but while committed to no more escorts returned to porn. I immediately threw him out.
Since then he has begun 12 step, more ic educating himself on porn and again doing all the right things. We saw a mediator and hammered out an agreement legally binding in case I chose to divorce. If not, it’s a post nuptual.
He wants nothing more than reconciliation. He’s miserable in his apt. Comes and takes care of the yard weekly and we spend one day a week together. I also have been focusing on me and sorting what I want- initially wanted nothing more than my family together. Our daughter graduated this past weekend so we came together as a family for the first time -my young adult children now know after DDay 2. It was very depressing for me. Looking at my family that he blew up. He also has severe back pain he complains about all the time but not really doing anything about it. I saw him this weekend as a " sad sack" , no joy, Then on Mother’s Day, no card, no quiet moment of acknowledgement- mind you it was a hectic busy morning and he was with kids and getting sorted for an overseas business trip. I get he was preoccupied , but …….no self awareness of being in his head , packing etc. Then he told me I was very " high energy" ….no kidding, I was up since 530 with the dogs ….exhausted , cooking for out of town guests and by the time everyone gathered and was waking up I’d been awake for hours. (he had stayed over to spend time with kids, we had a rare few hours together as a family). Anyway, off he went on his trip…..and I’m feeling today like I would have been more understanding and tolerated all this had everything not happened that has. I would have taken care of him while sick, nurtured him through back pain, supported him - but I’m just not feeling it. I’m annoyed, irritated and frustrated.
I know I need to this week not talk to him on the phone all the time. Take time for my self. Do the things I enjoy and refill my cup. Anyone else feel like the crap you would have put up with before infidelity, even the small stuff, is no longer ok? I do not want to go back to the " way things were " and I’m not sure how. Much he is capable of self awareness and growth……just not feeling it. (But also know feelings are temporary so I guess I’m just venting) sigh
[This message edited by SatyaMom at 12:23 PM, Monday, May 12th]
