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My WH and I separated 2/14 (DDay 2) after finding porn on his computer following a business trip over seas. I was devastated. DDay was 9/23 - a summer of escorts after his midlife breakdown. He embraced recovery, healing, betrayal trauma model for me but while committed to no more escorts returned to porn. I immediately threw him out.

Since then he has begun 12 step, more ic educating himself on porn and again doing all the right things. We saw a mediator and hammered out an agreement legally binding in case I chose to divorce. If not, it’s a post nuptual.

He wants nothing more than reconciliation. He’s miserable in his apt. Comes and takes care of the yard weekly and we spend one day a week together. I also have been focusing on me and sorting what I want- initially wanted nothing more than my family together. Our daughter graduated this past weekend so we came together as a family for the first time -my young adult children now know after DDay 2. It was very depressing for me. Looking at my family that he blew up. He also has severe back pain he complains about all the time but not really doing anything about it. I saw him this weekend as a " sad sack" , no joy, Then on Mother’s Day, no card, no quiet moment of acknowledgement- mind you it was a hectic busy morning and he was with kids and getting sorted for an overseas business trip. I get he was preoccupied , but …….no self awareness of being in his head , packing etc. Then he told me I was very " high energy" ….no kidding, I was up since 530 with the dogs ….exhausted , cooking for out of town guests and by the time everyone gathered and was waking up I’d been awake for hours. (he had stayed over to spend time with kids, we had a rare few hours together as a family). Anyway, off he went on his trip…..and I’m feeling today like I would have been more understanding and tolerated all this had everything not happened that has. I would have taken care of him while sick, nurtured him through back pain, supported him - but I’m just not feeling it. I’m annoyed, irritated and frustrated.

I know I need to this week not talk to him on the phone all the time. Take time for my self. Do the things I enjoy and refill my cup. Anyone else feel like the crap you would have put up with before infidelity, even the small stuff, is no longer ok? I do not want to go back to the " way things were " and I’m not sure how. Much he is capable of self awareness and growth……just not feeling it. (But also know feelings are temporary so I guess I’m just venting) sigh

[This message edited by SatyaMom at 12:23 PM, Monday, May 12th]

There's no excuse for him to do absolutely nothing to acknowledge you on Mother's Day. Your kids are young adults, not toddlers, and even if this week was really busy, he had the the weeks and months leading up to Mother's Day to at least get you a card. Also, it sounds like you were the one running around and doing all the hard labor for your daughter's graduation.

And to top it all off, he acted like a miserable sad sack the whole day. If his back was hurting him that badly, he should've stayed home. Instead, he made a day that was supposed to be about celebrating you all about him and how unhappy he is.

I know you don't want to hear this, SatyaMom, but this is not the behavior of a man who "wants nothing more than reconciliation." If that were the case, he would've pulled out all the stops to make Mother's Day special for you: card, flowers, gift, special meal, etc.

This would've been so easy to do... and you're so eager to make this marriage work and see the best in him despite everything he's done that I'm 100% certain that you would've clung to even the smallest gesture of affection as a sign of "progress."

So the question is this: why did he blow this opportunity so badly? I think the reasons are pretty clear:

-He resents you for setting boundaries with him and not tolerating his cheating. He might not have been conscious of it, but he was acting out against you on Mother's Day.

-He thinks he can guilt you into taking him back (because he knows you feel responsible for "keeping the family together")

-He feels entitled to have everything back to the way it was before.

-And worst of all... he's so emotionally immature and solipsistic that he can't get his head out from his own ass for long enough to recognize how is own selfish and petulant behavior is impeding his goal of getting you back.

As you reflect on this past weekend and what you need to do going forward, I think you should remember that the point of this separation was not so you could have more time to yourself, do things that you enjoy, and work on your own self-improvement (although those are important things to do during the separation).

The purpose of the separation was for your husband to work on himself and show you--through consistent action over an extended period of time-- that he's committed to long-term change and can be the safe, reliable, and loving partner that you deserve.

From where I'm sitting, his actions since your separation have demonstrated the opposite.

edit;add:

Pretend, for a moment, that you and your husband just started dating and didn't have kids or a long history together. How would you have felt if he did nothing to acknowledge you on an important holiday? How would you feel if he acted like a stick in the mud during a celebratory event? How would you feel if he did nothing but complain about how much he hates his apartment and why can't he move in with you? Would you want to be in serious relationship with someone like that?

If your husband had any sense whatsoever, he would be in full-blown courtship mode right now. He would be acting like he just met you and is trying to win your heart because he should be a different person that you would need to get to know, trust, and fall in love with. Even if he doesn't feel like the best version of himself at the moment, that's who he should present to you, especially during special moments like this past weekend when it really counts.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 3:19 PM, Monday, May 12th]

Not so BTW: congratulations on knowing what you want and going after it.

*****

A few years ago, I didn't acknowledge Mother's Day. That was traumatic, even though our son was close to 50. I'm a good H. I'm the BS. My W was PISSED! I haven't missed it since.

IMO, your H may have been unsure about whether or not you'd welcome something from him. If that's the case, it would have been much better if he had asked, but ... that's not his way, though it may become his way if you raise the issue.

IOW, it was unthinking and unfeeling of him, but IMO all is not lost.

*****

Congratulations on your daughter's graduation. That's definitely a milestone worth celebrating and remembering.

Agree …..honestly I have never made a big deal of Mother’s Day….its a very American holiday and in Europe we do it different. Hugs from my kids and flowers but still I felt he was sort of " out of it" for the weekend……low energy and kind of depressed :(

I did tell him I was feeling a bit unappreciated and he said when he gets back we will have a ‘ redo"so communication…..working on it