SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am going to be honest here, and the truth is not always pretty. Please, if you are going to respond to this post, don't do it from a place of outrage or hurt. I am asking anyone who replies to do so from a place of kindness and support, otherwise keep it moving.

My marriage sucks right now. I have grown to be incredible suspicious that the person I felt the safest with has become abusive, whether he consciously recognizes he's doing it or not. It didn't used to be like that. It seems like something has changed, but he won't clue me into what's going on. It feels so much like he's pushing me away the same way I was pushing him away, that I have actually asked him if there was someone else, and if that's the case could he please just tell me so I know what changed and we could work through it, instead of me being stuck here trying to figure it out. Honestly, that would feel like relief at this point. He laughed in my face at the question. That didn't dispel the suspicion at all.

It's gotten to the point where I feel the need to record our interactions because he "remembers" events so differently from the way I do, and it's always conveniently in his favor. I recorded our conversation today about these feelings, and even within that one, I noticed multiple employed manipulation tactics. It was genuinely difficult for me to listen to it back, because I was so focused on repair during the conversation that I didn't even catch them the first time. It makes me want to hold my inner child and comfort her, and tell her that I'm not going to let this happen to us again. I have a plan going forward to try to navigate out of it. I am praying the ultimate solution isn't separation or divorce, because I do love him and want to be with him. I just can't continue abiding by the way he's treating me right now. I can't understand why this is even happening.

But I'm here right now because I sense that the remorse I hold for committing infidelity seems to be waning, and that scares me too. I think I've gone from seeing my Bh as a perfect innocent angel whom I've mortally wounded atop his gleaming pedestal, to a potential mutual abuser that I've hurt down here in the dust with me. I don't find myself making excuses for the infidelity, because nobody deserves that... I just feel less shame for what I've done. A bit more empathy for myself at the time, and a little less for my BH. I know that sounds awful and regressive.

I'm struggling with the idea that he could hurt me in the ways that he has been hurting me, while I'm also supposed to be bending over backwards to comfort him, reduce his anxiety, and aid his healing in whatever way possible. Especially right now, when I'm going out of town for work for a week and staying alone in a hotel room. I have gotten to the point where I feel more confident about my ability to remain faithful-- though I am still keeping in place strict guidelines to keep us safe at all times, particularly when our relationship is on the rocks. But I know he's not feeling good about it. The idea of telling him where I'm going and what I'm doing at all times, and having to answer his every text or phone call even though I'm exhausted and just want to zone all the way out and enjoy my rare alone time, and sound happy about it... is inducing disgust in me, when previously I would have been excited to have the opportunity to be supportive and prove to him that I can be better. And I feel resentment growing in me as I bust my ass to get the house clean and comfortable for him to enjoy while I'm away working. I also feel guilt for having these feelings.

I do want to continue to work on being better, but more for myself right now. Some deep dark part of me wants to tell him to shove his pain where the sun doesn't shine, because I'm way out of spoons to deal with it. I have to keep that part caged and carefully contained for the sake of the long run.

I don't really know what the point of this post is. Maybe just to get the feelings out, or see if anyone has gone through something similar.

It’s very difficult for someone outside of the situation and who only knows what you say here to get the full picture of what is actually happening.

So, my husband did cheat on me during reconciliation. I did not suspect it, nor did I feel abused or any of those things. But upon discovery, I do not ever remember feeling my remorse waning. I still felt some level of accountability because I do not believe he would have done that had I not done it first.

Now, I don’t blame myself for his affair. He made a lot of decisions and in many ways acted out much worse than I did. But I also recognized that when people experience deep trauma that some percentage of those people will be driven to some sort of unhealthy coping mechanisms.

To me it meant that he had healing to do, and the question was did he intend to do that or were we going to have to part ways?

I will also say it didn’t relieve my guilt, make me feel justified, or any of those things. But I was further out from you if I am to go by your join date. I was three years out when I found out about the affair. I had more time to work on myself and so it’s hard to say what would have happened if I had been 6-7 months out.

My guilt, shame and even remorse wasn’t totally based on him. It was based on who it is I want to be, how I want to treat people, and my responsibility to the situation. I think the healthiest thing is to be able to hold that AND still have compassion for myself in the ways that I landed where I was. Without being able to hold both, I don’t think change is possible. It takes accepting you fully understand the impact, and you also can see yourself as a human capable of change and self understanding.

I could read your post two ways:

Scenario 1-

Six months out is early. It’s about the time the bs goes into the anger stage of grief. Mental and emotional exhaustion is going on in both people. It’s a very difficult stage. So, it could be you haven’t developed enough to deal with the fallout from what you did - that’s not a condemnation —at six months I had barely reached remorse. It could simply be his behavior is simply a an unhealed person who doesn’t know what to do with the trauma and you are projecting his behavior to be like yours and are falsely accusing him of cheating because you can’t relate to his reaction to this trauma. I have talked to too many ws not to consider this as a possible option. We tend to have very convoluted coping mechanisms and distorted thinking.

OR

Scenario 2: He is abusive, he is cheating, and you can’t connect with your empathy because of the anger you feel.

Anyway, if it’s the second thing, which I have to believe that to be as much of a possibility as anything else, you do not deserve an abusive relationship.

It’s not all that uncommon for two toxic people or two people who lack coping or whatever to marry each other. And if one starts to work in the healing the whole paradigm starts to self destruct.

You are the only person who can identify what is happening. I know as someone who can be very avoidant, and due to the way I was raised, I have serious issues dealing with other people’s anger. I remember feeling like it was never going to end and that distance when I was so reliant on the validation of others was absolutely scathing. I didn’t think we would make it because I couldn’t deal with it at all.

I am not dismissing that it’s the way you are describing. But I also think many ws who come here do not always understand the effects trauma has on people. Betrayal can cause PTSD in people.

I went with my husbands baseline though, he was a really good man, father, husband, friend before my cheating. When he hit the anger phase I knew that it was him reacting. And giving him transparency was sometimes annoying, but accepting it as what he needed to feel safe seemed like the least I could do.

I am really trying to temper this, but knowing your last post was about how you haven’t been a great partner lately, it seems like him being in an anger phase and not getting what he needs from you may be what’s creating the distance. Personally, if you want to know the best thing you can do is focus on who you need to be and be consistent and reliable, honor your angreements and see if it starts to shift the dynamic.

There are books about trauma and learning about that can help you understand trauma-driven behaviors.

Nonetheless, I do commend you for two very honest posts in a row, where you are describing things you are not proud of. It takes guts to do that here.

This isn’t easy, trying to work towards recovery and reconciliation is hard shit to navigate. I don’t know what I am looking at here but hopefully I covered the bases.

[This message edited by hikingout at 5:39 AM, Wednesday, May 13th]

Hi, I think we all have bad days, good days, decent weeks and really bad weeks.
When was your DDay? Did your BS have this behaviour (manipulative) before the A?

I find helpful to separate who my BS was before the A (with all his positives and negatives) and who is now after the trauma of betrayal. It can be difficult in the heat of the moment, but when I focus on this, I can empathise more easily with him. I clearly see that if it wasn't for my behaviour, things (and him) would not be like this. We had some M issues, but the hell we are navigating now is entirely of my own doing.

I feel your exhaustion and tiredness. After all, we are all humans and we all need a break from hardship and pain. And just because we (deeply) wronged our partners, it doesnt mean that we are immune to pain and wreck (even though we know we have to endure it). And having no-one to comfort you is tough as well.

If you feel his attitude is turning manipulative, try to talk to him. Have you tried discussing together some boundaries? That could work for both of you (and that would support yours and his wellbeing). It's not easy to keep them in place when emotions run high. But it's a start.

Also agreeing on times where you can both decompress might help (e.g. 1h each evening when you either do something neutral and pleasant together, or 1h where you discuss only on thigs that worked well)