SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello everyone,

Here's another Update:
He still lied to me. He booked luxery suites for escorts, 600 dollars for a room for "only two hours" with them. Doesn't make sense to me.
When we went on trips he booked motel 6 for us. Never a luxury room.

4 more prostitutes, all of them overweight because he says they have "better bj skills". And even cheap ones, in their dirty rooms.
He says he's embarrassed about this. That's why he didn't tell me.
According to him "That's it now"

It's so much and every time something new comes up, I'm exactly where I was 3 weeks ago.

Did he come forward with this information on his own? Or did you have to discover it?

They make it impossible for us to believe that we now 'know everything' when new information resurfaces again.....and again.....and again, only after our investigating. I hope that isn't your case.

One thing is pretty clear to me:
He has been able to hide extreme expenses of his habit from you.
As part of even considering if this is salveageable I would demand total openness on his accounts. Everything from detailed listing of income on to what goes out of the accounts.
Would your life be better today if you could have – for example – paid 10k on your mortgage?

@jb

I basically had to discover most of it.
Then he admitted to some things but always said "that's it now" while begging me to stay and work on this.

Yesterday I discovered another hotel booking, the 600 dollar room and another hotel booking that led him to admit to another escort. Then after me saying over and over again that I deserve the truth finally, after about 2 hours he admitted to 3 more. Cheap overweight ones that were in their dirty rooms and he came home to me after. All without condoms (oral sex).

He texted his sponsor from sexaholics program that he admitted to all of it now. It still could be that he's lying to himself. He want to his first therapy session still lying.

@bigger

I added everything up and he spent 16600 dollars on escorts in the past 5 years.

Yes we could have renovated our bathroom better, made our garden nicer, we could have made the old swimming pool better instead of painting it with a cheap paint he decided on...anything.
We could have done blood tests on our dog that passed away suddenly. I always said there might be something wrong with our dog, but he never listened told me I worry too much about things. In fact he booked an air bnb and a two hour escort session for 1500 or more the day before our dog died suddenly out of nowhere. His mom put the money from trying to save him on her credit card that he pays off now every month.

In hindsight my intuition was always right and he manipulated me into thinking I worry too much and overthink everything.

He always told me we can't spend too much money so we always chose cheap options.

It's all super crazy, I feel like I don't even know who this person is.

I'm not telling you what to do. I know that everyone has to do what they think is right for them, in their own time.

I'm just saying that when I found out that there was more after being told that there wasn't, that was my breaking point. I discovered "more" on his phones one night when he was sleeping. I literally woke him up and kicked his sleepy ass out. In the middle of the night. The fact that he was even sleeping peacefully was annoying as hell, when I hadn't been sleeping for days.

Consequences, you know?

I mean, what consequences is your wh suffering? He goes to meetings. He sees you cry. He went to therapy once. It's not exactly a big stretch, kwim? Or asking a lot.

It may be time to get even more serious about consequences.

Yes we could have renovated our bathroom better, made our garden nicer, we could have made the old swimming pool better instead of painting it with a cheap paint he decided on...anything.

I think that was Bigger’s point - anything would have been better than wasting than money on escorts!

Have you had a chance to meet with a lawyer yet? Do you know what your options are for preventing further waste? Can you cancel his credit cards? See how you can get a grip on your finances. Right now he’s willing to do whatever to keep you, so take advantage of that opportunity to get him to agree to let you lock things down as much as possible.

[This message edited by Letmebefrank at 1:40 PM, Friday, May 15th]

When we went on trips he booked motel 6 for us.

Again, the disrespect is breathtaking.

My scumbag ex at least used his many hotel and airline points to book us some luxe vacations over the 20 years he was balls deep in all the ghastly backstage trolls and hookers.

This dude is cheap greasy gas station nachos, sweetie.

You deserve the lobster.

Onward.
FF

Here is my 2 cents because I have been here

12 step yes

He needs a CSAT ( therapist who deals with sex addiction )

With csat a therapeutic disclosure followed by a polygraph ( don’t skip this part and your/ his csat can recommend one )

Treatment

Sex addiction is highly treatable but he must do the work. It’s a boundary you set - "I will not make any decisions right now IF you do the above - if not it will show me you aren’t committed to healing "

For YOU
STD testing

Support from trusted friends
Apply to become a member at WeTonglen a vetted online resource and support for betrayed spouses and steps u need to take. You needed a betrayal trauma coach or therapist. WeTonglen has free webinars , daily online support groups. This is where u need to be

Recovery is possible but it’s a lot of hard work. Takes 3-5 years. You are in the worst part know - I’d say first two yrs

Lastly , sex addiction affects you but is not about u. He can love u and do this. It’s not even about sex , it’s about dopamine and probably his trauma.

Sending u ❤️and im so sorry u are here 🙏❤️😢

[This message edited by SatyaMom at 12:40 AM, Friday, May 15th]

Adding one more things
Addicts are liars. It’s part of the "disease" he’s afraid to tell you. Until he gets to a csat and does the therapeutic disclosure more will keep trickling out and things damaging to YOU. Please focus on you right now, seek calm , join WeTonglen and educate yourself

One more thing I did was see a lawyer - just so I knew what I was entitled to. She recommended a mediator. Divorce or not I had a settlement which is also in my state a postnuptial agreement so I knew I was safe if I stayed or went. My partner agreed to this immediately. In fact he agreed to anything I asked but it took a painful year to get the truth and I waited in the polygraph and wish we had done that 2-3 month in.

❤️