SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am wondering how other posters have dealt with the "moral injury" that can be part of surviving infidelity…..

Recently i have been struggling and when i learned about the concept of moral injury, some things seemed to make more sense to me.

That is a tough one. I think that we as the betrayed suffer far longer than the cheaters. While I recognize that the cheaters struggle with the guilt, they don’t really understand betrayal trauma unless they have been on the receiving end of it.

I constantly remind myself that my H is no longer the cheating jerk he was years ago. I actively stop myself from focusing on the past and choose to live in the present.

It took me years and years and years to get that to work for me.

I'm only a year out. In fact, we're swiftly approaching the first anniversary of my d day and I've been struggling because I know what was going on this week last year. I had a little meltdown yesterday, but we worked through it, if somewhat painfully.

So to answer your question, I'm still dealing with the moral injury.

It's an interesting concept.

I might not understand it well enough on cursory googling.

I'll take a shot at my thoughts.

Betrayal trauma is one sort of moral injury we suffer. I am not trying to apologize for cheaters, but certainly in cultures where cheating is *even more normalized* the trauma is not as severe. Perhaps because the violation of the moral code isn't as deep.

I think it is a great term to use to describe what I have called "the loss of something integrity adjacent". Not leaving when you would have previously said you would leave if presented as a hypothetical. The moral injury not just of being betrayed but of being put in a situation where your actions and preferences are contrary to your previously held moral beliefs. This is a moral injury not suffered by those who leave after betrayal.

I do think this is one of the hardest parts of R and I have posted about it a number of times. Shifting your moral code is definitely psychologically painful and difficult to do. Standing up a new moral framework is what is necessary for repair. And I think that is true of the regular betrayal trauma bit as well.

You need to stand up a new framework for trust in a relationship and how you will respond to different situations. Things you might have previously thought were harmless (e.g. flirting), you now have a big problem with. Things you might have previously thought were overkill or intrusive (e.g. electronic transparency) you now believe are reasonable measures.

So yeah. There is a lot of suffering to work through and mental restructuring necessary after betrayal. But since moral injury works twice, I'll still have to search for a better term for the loss of something integrity adjacent.