SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My husband has been an alcoholic for 10 years. 6 years ago I realized the magnitude. Since then I have consistently found hidden bottles etc. I have approached him with the hard conversations every few months and in many different ways...sadness, anger, support, worry, sent him therapist info, articles to read etc. Once in 2022 I found crystal meth (that he got from my brother, another long story). I lost it. I told him I will not be intimate with him because I am disgusted. I told him he needed therapy and to start doing the hard work. The drugs stopped there. Promises were always made but never kept about the drinking.
2 months ago I found out that he cheated on me with an escort last year while he was on a work trip in Vegas (when I was looking for hidden bottles I came across a bag with sex toys). He was going on the same trip the week after I found out and had every intention of doing it again (didn't have her specific info or anything but was bringing the bag in case the situation presented itself again).
Since that revelation he has been going to therapy twice a week (I am also in therapy), quit drinking and we are going to a marriage counselor once a week. He has been put on medication for depression/anxiety and medication to curb the need for drinking. He has shown remorse, shame and guilt...but none of those before I found out, only after. He has begged for some time to get the therapy to make sense of the demons in his head and work on us. We have had numerous conversations over the past 2 months, we were able to string 6 straight happy days together last week so that felt good. We have 3 kids (19,17 and 13). No one knows. I'm afraid if I tell any friends or family because they will hate him, and they will. If I chose to stay I don't want to have to be the middle man between him and loved ones. All of the hard work I'm putting in is exhausting. It seems so unfair that I have been fighting this fight alone for 6 years and now have to continue with the add in of cheating. I don't know if I can do this. I can't get his "special night" out of my head and heart. It would KILL my children if we divorced and quite frankly me as well. I don't want one less moment with my kids, I did nothing to have them taken away 50% of the time or whatever the courts would declare. All of this being said, I'd like to know if anyone has a similar situation and how they handled it and moved forward. With or without the marriage? Will the hurt of the cheating ever subside? Can I trust him again? I have always been a relatively confident person, I am a shell of myself most days and I hate that. Will I ever get ME back?

Will the pain of the infidelity ever subside? Maybe. Will you ever be able to trust him again? Maybe. Will you ever feel 100% complete again? Maybe.

Discovering infidelity eviscerates a person. Everything you believe to be true and real and safe evaporates in seconds. It takes years to rebuild the relationship and more years to rebuild the trust that has been destroyed. There is nothing fast about this process.

IC for both of you is a great idea. Starting MC right away is a mistake IMO. MC's tend to focus on putting the affair behind you and building a brand new shiny sparkly relationship. I suggest individual IC for several months and then you decide whether or not you want to try again to work on the relationship

But your husband has to do the work. He broke the relationship and he needs to fix it. You need to focus on healing yourself and then decide what you want and what is best for you.

You have found a great place for support and advice

Sorry to hear your story.
From my experience with infidelity and alcoholism, and alcoholism in general, is that the healing process is quite linear. Right NOW nothing has priority over his fix. This is why I – as a cop – was arresting drunk parents with their kids in the car. The fix was the main issue, family second. If an active alcoholic has a choice between one more drink or making it home for dinner… the drink will always win.

Until he has his addiction in some form of control there is no way he can make any fruitful contribution to your marriage. At best he can not cheat, and that’s about it.

If you are up to it and want some hope for this marriage then IMHO your best bet is to accept that for the next 60 days the ONLY goal is sobriety. Not bare-knuckle, I-will-be-dry sobriety, but daily AA, sponsor, detox… a PROGRAM. A defined plan with daily goals. Once he’s detoxed his body and started clearing his mind is the phase where he might be able to work on the marriage.

I encourage you to look into Al Anon. Chances are this stiutation has already heavily impacted you.

I also encourage you to understand the hereditary power of addictions and talk to your kids. For each year they remain sober, the lower the probability of them becoming addicts too. Like… if I was alcoholic, and my son started drinking at 18 there would be something like a 50% chance he would eventually have to deal with his own addiction. If I could delay it to him being 22 years, that lowers to maybe 20%.