SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Together for 22 years and married for 18. In February 2025, I learned that the infidelity was ongoing for 13 years. Seeking casual encounters at bars and transactional arrangements via seekingcom. These arrangements typically lasted 6–12 months each, with new partners after each period, and included some overnight stays.

There was a pause during the Covid pandemic, but the behavior resumed and, in the past two years, he has alternated between two partners.

We have two kids 14 and 9 years old.

I am still processing the full extent of the betrayal and its impact on my health, trust, and sense of reality. I am seeking help to understand and cope with these events.

There has been profuse apologies and we are in therapy where he was able to dismantle his rationalizations and show some really accountability but my heart is so broken I feel like I’m numb.

[This message edited by Neva9643 at 6:53 AM, Tuesday, May 13th]

I am so sorry you are experiencing this. Others will be along soon to comment I am sure. I can’t imagine what this revelation is like for you.

I always tell people to take exquisite care of themselves physically, mentally, spiritually and
Medically to include full panel std/sti testing from a medical provider that does this sort of thing compassionately and well. Put yourself first!

Thank you! I found out after getting an Sti. It’s taken me some courage to even share that

Welcome to SI and sorry that you're joining us. First, I'd like to recommend the posts pinned in the JFO (Just Found Out) forum that are pinned to the top. There are some other great threads that have bull's eye icons but aren't pinned, so you may need to look those up. The Healing Library has a lot of great resources, too. There may be some threads in the ICR (I Can Relate) forum you may find helpful.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a trauma-informed therapist can be helpful. Infidelity is trauma, so please take care of yourself. He's been having unprotected sex and has put your health at risk, so please be sure to be careful. If you're having trouble with sleep or depression/anxiety, please ask your doctor for some meds to help you through.

You may wish to see a lawyer or 3 just to see what D (divorce) would look like. Doesn't mean you need to D, but it will give you knowledge and knowledge is power.

The As (affairs) are 100% his choice to betray you, and he's lied to you for years. That is a lot to process through when it's gone on for so long. It can shake your reality and leave you with a million different emotions.

It sounds like your WH is a serial cheater, and they're notoriously bad at doing the work to change to a safe partner. Not saying he won't do the work, but it's rare.

Sorry you're here.

Why would anyone want to reconcile when an A happened for such a long time period. Maybe if your spouse was the one that came to you and confrssed instead of being discovered, did ALL the work to reconcile without ANY instigating from you (i.e. gave you a timeline and made therapy appointments without your recommendation or reminding, etc.). Again, big maybe.

And even with successful reconciliation, you would ALWAYS have doubts whenever something questionable happened. That kind of drama is just not worth it no matter how much love yoj have for your spouse. I mean, how much love could they realistically have for you if they had an affair for that long?
ETA: and the worst of the disrespect was that he couldn't even bother to wear a condom with that many women. He risked you dying from AIDS. I don't care how much I loved my ex when he cheated. NOTHING was worth that risk to my health and safety. Nothing. You will forever have to use a condom with him because you will always know that he's capable of that disrespect. Uhggg. 🤢🤮

[This message edited by StillLivin at 1:37 AM, Tuesday, May 13th]

Yes, you can reconcile it if you both want to. That doesn’t mean it will be easy or that you shouldn’t explore all outcomes, but if you both want it, it’s an option. Take your time deciding and pamper yourself. Put the future uncertainty of your marriage on the back burner. Whether you reconcile or divorce, recovering from this will be a marathon, not a sprint.

Neva, I am so very sorry you have this life thrust on you. It’s a horrible way to live.You cannot thrive in a place of emotional turmoil.
I need to be very blunt. This is who he is. This is what he does. Unless a miracle occurs I don’t see how some apologies and some therapy are going to change a lifetime of bad behavior. You are looking for a unicorn and all you have is a cheating, lying spouse.
My focus for you is to get some temp meds for anxiety and sleep. You want your body to withstand the amount of pain inflicted on it by staying healthy.

R is about the future, not the past, but ... changing from cheater to good partner is difficult at best. I would think it's even more difficult for someone with habitual cheating for over a decade.

I'd change 'R is possible if you both want it it' to 'R is possible if you both want it enough to do the necessary work.'

BSes need to process the pain - the grief, anger, fear, shame, whatever - of being betrayed out of their bodies. That's usually complicated by a need to work through a lot of resistance to letting the pain go.

WSes need to take themselves apart and put themselves back together. Short sentence; very hard work.

My reco is look deep inside to determine what you want and, if you want R, to determine how likely it will be that your WS will do the work they need to do.

At the same time, my reco is to start feeling your pain, because feeling it lets it go.

You heal you.
Your WS heals them.
Together you heal the M.

The good part is that you can heal yourself whether your WS heals themself or not.

You say 'therapy'. Is that MC or IC? MC treats your M, and your M didn't fail - your WS did. That implies he'll probably need extensive IC to heal himself.

One thread that helped me a lot at first was https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/324250/things-that-every-ws-needs-to-know/. It allowed me to compare what my W was doing to what an 'ideal' WS who wanted R would do. I actually printed it out, removed the SI info (which printed out as header and/or footer), and asked my W to read it.

My xWS cheated the entire M also gave me STI's. You can R if he is able to do the work and you are able to move past it. I couldn't. The False R and STI's were my breaking point. I remained in limbo until I could figure out how to leave and then I finally did. Best decision I have ever made in my life. I didn't want to carry that around for the rest of my life, now it's behind me because I'm not around the perpetrator anymore.

The only thing that will change a serial cheater like your husband is reincarnation.

Leave him before he gives you another STD, depletes your bank account or runs you into serious debt by supporting his sugar babies, and your kids end up losing their share of child support to children conceived outside your marriage.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 9:28 PM, Tuesday, May 13th]

Thank you all. We are doing therapy together via a clinical psychologist and he will be starting individual therapy soon. Trying to get to a stage of more control and clarity for myself. I could not walk out immediately largely because I felt paralyzed because of the shock. I am still in shock but slowly coming out of it and regaining my thoughts.

I wanted to ask of people if they have recovered or reconciled from profound harm just to understand what others might have experienced and how they reacted.

I am an independent person and will totally stand up for myself and my kids. I feel numb because my heart is broken to a million pieces but my brain is working! My husband knows that.

And while he is willing to do the work, I do understand that willingness and capability are two different things. I have said the same to him.

My hope is to hear about experiences and simply how you dealt with life after profound harm. opinions are welcome as well but sharing your experiences, how you managed grief, what helped with shock would be helpful.

I probably had PTSD. Not formally diagnosed, but had a lot of the symptomology. I went on meds for depression and anti-anxiety medicine because I started having panic attacks. Plus, the anti-anxiety meds helped me sleep at night, although I had nightmares for almost 3 years.

We did not R, and it took me about a year to figure out that XWH (wayward ex-husband) wasn't really doing the work to change.

I was in talk therapy with my first counselor for 6 months or so. He helped me to talk through some decisions and thought processes because I was not thinking clearly. I saw a couple of lawyers to see what D would look like. Sometimes, I'd go out in my car and scream until I was hoarse.

It was 18 months when he confessed to a deal-breaker (inappropriate contact with another person), and I was done. Shortly after, I moved out to my own place.

Later, I started therapy with a betrayal trauma specialist and did a lot of hard work. I worked through The Grief Recovery Handbook and another mindfulness book that had exercises that I went over with her on a weekly basis. I also started using a meditation app.

For me, the work with the betrayal trauma specialist and doing the meditation really helped me heal. (Meditation helps when my thoughts start spiraling out of control.)

Been with my wife 40 years. Married for 31 of those. She had affair 11 years ago. Poor boundaries and poor decision making. After all the counselling and all the discussions and all the endless gathering of information it really comes down to this. What can you live with? Go to a park by yourself. Sit on a bench, relax and ask yourself that question. What can I live with. Because it will always be there. It doesn't mystically go away. It is just there after awhile. It fades it surfaces it submerges but it's still there. Now if you can live with it then give it the old college try and fix yourself and your marriage. You do that and it still fails you have no regrets. If it works out better yet. But you need to be really honest with yourself. Can you live with it 10 -20 years down the road? Because it is a heavy burden you will carry yourself. No one will fully understand that but yourself. And you won't fully understand that until years later. Do I regret my choice to stay? Sometimes. And sometimes not, Do I feel differently about my wife? Yes I do. I don't love her as I once did. But we made it work. But it is something that at times is very hard to live with. So have that conversation with yourself.

Ma'am, I am so sorry you are faced with this catastrophe. Marital treason, no matter tbe scale, is incredibly traumatic for the betrayed. It is always worthy of summary divorce. Always.

That said, there are many who decide to attempt reconciliation. I did but that attempt sadly failed and caused even more trauma for me, the faithful-yet-betrayed-husband. Some are successful and there are examples of that right here, but most ultimately fail in my experience and stats bear that out.

The attempt at reconciluation is an incredibly difficult climb. Given your circumstance as you stated:

Together for 22 years and married for 18. In February 2025, I learned that the infidelity was ongoing for 13 years. Seeking casual encounters at bars and transactional arrangements via seekingcom. These arrangements typically lasted 6–12 months each, with new partners after each period, and included some overnight stays.

There was a pause during the Covid pandemic, but the behavior resumed and, in the past two years, he has alternated between two partners.

...will make attempting R a near vertical climb. He is a serial adulterer. Illicit sex has become a pleasure commodity for him and the neural pathways in his brain that his behaviors have worn will be extremely hard to change. This is also known as sex addiction which is well known to be one of the most difficult addictions to overcome. The majority of those who attempt it fail. With whats known, he needs to be in a sex addiction recovery program, possibly inpatient to start. I caution you that the probability is very high that what you know is just the tip of the iceberg as to both the scope and scale of his infidelity.

Take some time to read this thread, I think youll find it to be helpful:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/658109/h-is-a-complete-stranger-with-a-second-life-/

No matter what, take care of yourself like never before. Get an std test asap, eat well, hydrate, exercise, spend time with trusted friends and family (do not isolate). Read the great resources here in the healing library.

Strength, healing and clarity to you.

Neva, my story is very similar to yours, it's in my profile if you want to read it. I did not choose to reconcile with my WH, he seemed incapable of true empathy and I didn't want to wait years to see if he could learn it. XWH was in therapy and doing the work, but once I told him I wanted a D, he stopped therapy, so I don't think he was doing it purely for himself.

That said, the decision to R is yours; a gift you may choose to grace your WH with, and one you have every right to take away from him at any time. There is another forum I've been on that might help you. It's called WeTonglen. It is for female partners of sex addicts, which it sounds to me like your WH is close enough if not full-fledged. The site is free, has many excellent resources, and the women there are kind, supportive, and non-judgmental. I haven't been on there since I got divorced because I find it somewhat triggering, but it really helped me while I was deciding to R or D. Many of the women on WeTonglen have stayed with their WH and are doing their own healing work while their addict does his. You will find a great network there if you decide to R.

There is a pdf paper by Dr Omar Minwalla, called the Secret Sexual Basement. I found it invaluable in understanding just how my mental state had been altered by living for years over that virtual basement. It is easy to find via internet search.

It took me 5 months from Dday to know that I could not see XWH as a safe partner again. I think that was fairly quick to decide, so give yourself all the time and space you need before making any big decisions. I think I was in some stage of shock for at least that long. Processing it can't be sped up, I wish it could. You are likely to be in a state of disbelief and numbness for a while, but you can still gather data and start to see your best path. I recommend starting a journal. Write down everything, get it all out. You get good at it if you do it often and then when you read back over old entries you have more clarity.

I'm so sorry your husband did this to you. It's horrible pain and it's long lasting. There will always be a 'before' and 'after' I knew and it's a life-changing event. I've been divorced for a month and a half and I still find myself feeling really low over all those years I was living in ignorance. I'm upset at my blindness during the marriage and my stupidity in not seeing him for what he was before I married him. My work now is to learn to trust my instincts, find the 'me' that was buried under his ever-present needs, and establish boundaries so it can't happen to me again.

I hope you take good care of yourself and know in your heart and soul that you are worth so much better.

[This message edited by gray54 at 2:13 PM, Wednesday, May 14th]

The only thing that will change a serial cheater like your husband is reincarnation.

That statement ignores evidence that is right in front of us on SI. Our membership includes several serial cheaters who have changed.

More important, statistics do not apply to individual cases. The question before you is: will YOUR serial cheater change?

I agree that a serial cheater seems like a poorer bet than a one-time cheater is, but it's a winning bet for some.

...but most ultimately fail ... and stats bear that out.

Please cite the stats. I've found no stats that stand up to analysis. Remember: 1) most stats come from self-reporting, and 2) people are masters at lying to themselves, so self-reporting is questionable at best. Besides, statistics do not apply to individual cases.

After all the counselling and all the discussions and all the endless gathering of information it really comes down to this. What can you live with? Go to a park by yourself. Sit on a bench, relax and ask yourself that question.

Agreed.

The only thing I'd add is that I think one will question the decision to R again and again and again. Personally, for the first many months, issues arose on an almost daily basis, and I looked at every issue as a potential deal killer. I asked myself if R was going the way I expected and wanted again and again during the process - though the questions came up less and less frequently as time went on.

So you may find yourself taking a time-out in the park multiple times....

You said you are independent, I imagine this will help you set boundaries better. I think the most important thing right now is to listen to what you want and need, and deal with the situation according to that.

I personally believe people can change. I have been one of those people and have come a long way. However, it’s slow. It takes a while to dig and find answers with yourself. You must be very curious, desire to change regardless of the outcome of the marriage, and it takes years of finding, learning, practicing and integrating. I am not even talking about what it takes to stop cheating. I am not a serial cheater and the temptation to cheat after it all happened was completely not there. I didn’t have those sorts of impulses ever. My affair was more of a one and done variety.

I think with your husband, living a duplicitous life is the norm. He does have those impulses because of it being the norm. He is a great compartmentalizer. He has justifications that are now engrained on why he is entitled to have multiple women at once. He likely has you categorized as stability. I had an affair with a serial cheater and he would say things like "she makes my home life easy", "she takes great care of me", "we are very different people" etc. He very much saw his wife appliance, and the women he had on the side just for fun. So this is going to be a big walk back for him to see women as equals or humans who exist for more than his own purposes.

I am not at all saying it can’t be done. I think people can grow and change if they really want to. I just think you are entitled to know what you are looking at.

I do not think all serial cheaters have some pathology that is the source. However, many of them have sex addiction, love addiction, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder, etc. We had a long time poster here with HPD and he did do the work to recover and be a safe partner for his wife. They are happily reconciled, both were posters here and agreed they were.

Your husband lacks a lot of things that he will have to work on. Infidelity takes 2-5 years to heal from on average, and I do think the reconciliation path is a bit longer usually than the divorce path because you are in involving two people who both have different timelines for healing.

In my marriage, my h had an affair that lasted from the 18 month out from my affair dday marker to the three year marker. So we had quite a dumpster fire marriage going. However, we are happily reconciled today and have built a very good new relationship. My best advice is actually don’t bother with marriage counseling right now. Your husband needs to be doing intensive therapy. If you want therapy I think that may be helpful, do that too. But the problem is not in your marriage it’s in him.

The reason I say that is the first year isn’t reconciliation it’s recovery. You will spend the next year in discovery, asking questions and oscillating between stages of grief. It doesn’t help to work on the marriage until the parts of the whole have been healed enough to try and pick up the pieces. Ws heals ws, bs heals bs, together they heal the marriage.

For you, I think it’s better if you can detach from an outcome as early as possible so that you can become more objective at what you are seeing. Focus on what you need and want. After some time has passed then decide if reconciliation is on the table. Most of the time people are so desperate to patch up the marriage, especially with kids involved, the bs ends up getting worn out with all the stages the ws goes through to get to their breakthrough. And some ws don’t even work towards one. They scramble hard in the beginning but lose momentum because they are not truly interested in changing. They just want their world not to change.

I gave you a lot of reality. But staying true to yourself during this process will save so much for you. If he is consistent for a year and seems like he is reconciliation material, then initiate marital counseling and begin investing in the relationship again. I am saying this to you because often the most trauma comes after the discovery and the marriage dies more on how the ws behaves in the aftermath.

I am not saying you need to separate, though that is an option, even if it’s in-house separation. What I am saying is try and work towards detachment. Reattachment and reconnection can happen much better after the ws has proven they are all in on their work. If he is sincere about his work, when it’s time for you to invest more the marital counseling may work better and be worth the investment.

[This message edited by hikingout at 3:51 PM, Wednesday, May 14th]