SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello,

I have a question about how to handle our "anniversary" this year. It's coming up in a couple of days, and I'm feeling conflicted.

I put anniversary in quotes because I don't feel like we really have a marriage at the moment. Yes we are still legally married, and we are working on reconciliation, and making progress. However when we got married we both stood up in front of our families and friends and made oaths forsaking all others. The important part was the oaths, not signing the legal documents. She intentionally broke her oath, and we have kept this from our friends and family for the most part. I don't see how a marriage oath can be one sided, if one party breaks their oath, the entire thing is invalid in my mind.

It's hard for me to want to celebrate a day that really doesn't have the same meaning after her betrayal. Before we were celebrating the fact that we made it this many years being married. Now that I know she effectively ended our marriage, it's hard to want to celebrate this day.

On the flip side, she is really trying, and I have felt more optimistic in the past few weeks than I have in the last year. I am hesitant to bring my feelings up and focus on the affair again. I'm concerned about sabotaging reconciliation.

So I'm leaning on doing something nice that day, just because it would be us dating, but I feel like thats dishonest to not communicate my feelings and have her celebrating our anniversary when I'm just going on a date.

What would you guys do? Should I start trying to move on, and fake it till we make it type of thing? Or should I bring it up?

Theevent

We just had our 44th last week. The second since DD. My WH had asked me a couple of weeks ago if this was our 44th and my reply was no, it's our 2nd. He winced but accepted the truth of it.

It's hard for me to want to celebrate a day that really doesn't have the same meaning after her betrayal. Before we were celebrating the fact that we made it this many years being married. Now that I know she effectively ended our marriage, it's hard to want to celebrate this day.

I feel the same way. I could have been happy just ignoring it. We ended up spending it with our kids and grandkids. A nice distraction. He bought me a nice card. He's gotten pretty good at reading my emotions and I think he knew to just tread softly. Maybe you could just suggest a quieter day. No big fancy dinner. She should understand.

As far as sharing your feelings... I struggle with that too. There always seems to be a reason for me to put it off. Sometimes that's good because it gives me time to either refine my thoughts or decide that something is not really that important to bring up. Sometimes not so good because it will gnaw and fester in my head and take me out of the present. I do think it's important to talk with her, maybe now before the actual date.

[This message edited by Trumansworld at 4:57 PM, Monday, May 12th]

W was in her A on our 43rd, so our 44th was our first post-d-day anniversary. W wanted to celebrate, I didn't.

I think honesty is absolutely crucial during R, so my reco is to share your feelings and make appropriate decisions. If you have an idea of what you want, my reco is to ask for it.

I knew what I would be OK with: 1) W thinks of something she wanted to do; 2) W invites me to come along; 3) I'd go if I thought I'd have fun. She did the 1st and 2nd; I did the 3rd; we had a good time.

W also bought me flowers and chocolates. I was truly surprised and moved, and the 'silly little gifts' made me feel great about myself. They told me why I always got very lucky when I brought flowers home for my W, even though the flower shop was on my way home from the train, and the bouquets weren't expensive. Very little effort - big payoff, whoever gives the flowers, IMO.

I didn't want to celebrate our 44th, 45th, or 46th. I was half-way on board for our 47th. Since then, we've both enjoyed anniversaries. My guess is that sort of progression is common (but not universal) for couples who R.

You say you're conflicted. So be it. That's normal. You'll have to decide which way to go.

My reco is to make a choice and don't 2nd guess yourself. It will work or it won't. If it doesn't, cut the time short and go home. Going forward, do more of what works and less of what doesn't.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:32 PM, Monday, May 12th]

This was literally my post a few weeks ago!

I decided to avoid my WH by going on an early morning run and not get back until he left for work, then I made sure I wasn’t home when he got home from work. But my WH worked it out pretty quick lol.

We still went on the date that he had planned for us and to be honest it was a good night in the end, even though like you I was not celebrating being married to him. I opened up about how I was feeling when we were having our dinner and it actually made the night better, not worse. I guess it helps when your wayward stops and listens and doesn’t get angry etc.

I am starting to look at anniversary’s different now. It’s not the anniversary of our marriage more a day to remind us of what we are trying to save and rebuild.

[This message edited by Webbit at 9:54 PM, Monday, May 12th]