"As someone who had in-laws from the deepest depths of Hell, my advice to you is to not host if you can avoid it."
I have been following this advice and it is life changing.
I personally have come to the conclusion that I choose to associate with people who are reciprocal, kind, generous, self reflective.
I think my giving and forgiving nature made it more like I would end up with someone who would cheat on me. Sadly. So this is part of my healing process.
I find being around "takers" and self centered people exhausting and draining. We have had a few experiences where F and I have decided to stop doing things like invite certain people to get togethers when they have shown us who they are by their actions and we don’t feel good about what we are seeing.
Everyone has their limits. Ours have recently included not associating with:
—people who order at the top of the menu every single time they know we are paying the bill (double and triple what other people are ordering) and they never offer to pay when we go out. They do this knowing I am on a limited budget due to divorce debt.
-people who act selfishly at the frequent parties and holidays we used to host. (Example was when there were 3 dozen gluten free wings at a get together for less than 6 people along with lots of other foods, the person not being invited anymore doesn’t need gluten free, and they just kept eating those specific wings until the wings were basically gone just because they could—leaving the 2 gluten-free needing people with nothing). Repeat that with the 2 gluten free pizzas we had prepared. They thought they "tasted better" than the regular ones. Of course they never offer to help, never bring or contribute anything, demand there be special foods for themselves, never invite people over to their place…you get the picture.
I always say your mileage may vary. I am not posting to debate whether I should have ordered at least a dozen or more gluten free wings per person out of self-defense. There was more than enough and varied enough food for no one to need to be hungry and to accommodate all known dietary needs and preferences. Everyone was aware there were 2 people with actual wheat allergies. All that would have been needed was for a certain person to have some empathy for other people’s dietary needs and a modicum of self control.
I am just saying that wing hog is not getting any more invites. They can find someone else to provide them with $50 worth of wings for a special diet they don’t require. Or more precisely, I don’t choose to feed someone that selfish ever again. Wing hog knew what they were doing. And yes, we provided plenty of things to meet the dietary needs wing hog said they had. So they had plenty to choose from. In addition they have an exhibited pattern of doing things just to get away with them.
We are quietly quitting relationships with people who are selfish. Relationships that give us a balled up feeling in the pit of our stomachs. And it feels amazing. I should have done this decades ago.
Also, and different people have different beliefs and experiences, but my ex marriage could have significantly benefited from deliberate no contact with people who did not treat us in ways we would want to be treated.
As an example of this, ex mil said that the reason exwh cheated on me was that I did not give him enough good sex. Btw she was a serial other woman. No marriage could survive that influence. My ex marriage didn’t.
I am a big fan now of surrounding myself with kind, caring, generous, emotionally-mature, empathetic people. And I am actively seeking out new friends who share my values. I am also not afraid to stop associating with family who exhibit selfish or exploitive tendencies. I would like to think that I have learned something from my awful experiences with infidelity.
I hope you get the treatment from others and the support you deserve.
