SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

First off, no need to feel sorry - I am as unaffected by this personally as a person can be. My indifference remains fully intact. Second off, there is really not much of a point to this post (except thoughts on what WH should do if anything) - I'm just shaking my head a bit as it's so insanely stupid.

I guess my reason for posting is more as an FYI - this shit can happen.

Readers Digest version (remember that periodical?!?):

WH and AP worked together and had a workplace A in 2017-2019 - the OBS also worked with them and my WH was very good friends with OBS. The A went on for several years - I had false R twice - A went underground and I rediscovered and I blew it up with the OBS and with several people he knew - everyone at his work found out. We divorced but still lived together due to COVID lockdown and after a year I moved far away. We now date - from a distance. AP and OBS divorced in 2021. AP, OBS and WH all still work together (crazy I know). AP had a serious medical diagnosis which took her out of work for two years 2021-2023.

AP went back to work in mid-2023 and got married last year (about 9 months ago) to another co-worker who works in the same facility but a different area than AP/OBS/WH. It is unclear how much her new husband knows of the A and the whole reason why AP and OBS divorced but he likely knows something as that place is such a gossip mill.

In the last two weeks WH has gotten 3 late night phone calls from her (she is not blocked on his phone due to work policy). He has sent me screen shots of all of them right after they happen - she doesn't leave a message and he does not respond. I told him to ignore or tell her to f-off or whatever he wants to do and I appreciate him telling me. I'm good and not worried in the least. WH is free to date other people (as am I) so long as we tell each other what is going on. Of course IMO he is not free to date her - nor does he indicate he wants to. So this post isn't about what to do about him or her - its more of just a be careful - this type of behavior could replicate the AP in your world, or your own WS.

Basically, now, after being married for 9 whole months, she decides to reach back out to WH. I've no idea why - it could be because she's drunk and wants to tell him off (their A ended in a rather big workplace parking lot blow out and she had not tried to contact him since) or because she is looking for some personal affirmation. Or because she wants to have some phone sex again or to come over. Who knows?!?!? What is interesting is that she never contacted him when she was single that I am aware. Never.

The little I know of AP comes from my WH and the OBS - both of which have said despite APs facade she is very insecure, and is constantly looking for personal affirmation as to attractiveness, intelligence, etc. So unless she does some actual work, which clearly she has not, this will just keep happening. I truly believe had my WH not done a lot of work it would have kept happening with him too as he craved/needed this same type of affirmation. I was boring because I didn't tell him how sexy he was every day I guess - but even if I had, it would not have been enough because it was "just" me telling him.

The question:

I don't know her current husband but of course WH does (not well but he knows who he is in passing). WH indicated that he was torn between continuing to ignore her and reaching out to her new husband and telling him "hey, your wife and I have history if you didn't know, and she is reaching out to me now FYI". WH does not want to talk to her at all as he thinks (and I agree) that she will ignore whatever he says or take it as an opportunity to keep calling even if he tells her to fuck off. Granted he has no idea why she is calling him but if it was for work she would have likely left a message and her reaching out to him for any other reason isn't acceptable behavior on her part. I told him I really don't care how he handles it (and I really don't) but I get not wanting to contact the husband as AP hasn't said anything so he doesn't know what he would be telling him really and I also get not wanting to contact her in any way even just to tell her to stop. I think my position would be to ignore but I'm curious as to what you all think.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 10:50 PM, Wednesday, May 7th]

LOL, I was just talking about the Readers Digest the other day with my partner. I loved it, literally for decades!

I vote that your WH contact her H and basically do as you wrote. "Hey, your wife and I, etc. etc. here are the screenshots, no message left if it is work related, etc. etc., I have no interest in contact with your wife...."

Shut that crap down, it's so exhausting and yes, insanely stupid.

This doesn't look good at all. There is no reason to contact him late night even if it is work related, send and email. I think he should reach out her H to ask why she is calling. "I choose not to have direct contact with her because of our past, if its not work related please have her stop trying to contact me late at night"

Is it possible it is not AP at all? Maybe it is her new H accessing her phone and trying to see if your WH answers?

Maybe new husband has heard a version (or three) of the history and is uncomfortable with them being at the same company and does not believe they are not still in contact. So he is taking it upon himself, while she is asleep, to test the waters and see if your WH answers a late night call from that number?

If it is really the AP, then I would expect her to escalate contact since she is being ignored.

I also share your uncertainty of contacting the new husband is the way to go either.

Gosh...whatta mess.

There is no reason to contact him late night even if it is work related

In his position there actually is - he gets called about work at all hours - it's a 24/7/365 kind of job and he works all kinds of crazy/different hours so the time alone is not the red flag...however the amount of times definitely is.

Is it possible it is not AP at all?

Sure, anything is possible but I doubt it. And, while I did indicate it is not clear how much her new H knows about the A, it's super-unlikely he did not know about it beforehand. His job is very weird - and due to the nature of the position/work you work as a team day in and day out. It's like the perfect environment for people to become close and his was definitely not the first A to happen there and it won't be the last.

So far she is just being ignored.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 2:49 PM, Thursday, May 8th]

WH needs to tell her husband and HR (if they still work together).

Let the chips fall where they may.