SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello,

I really appreciate all the advice even though hard to hear.

I feel torn, so a difficult week for me and my husband. Finding the most recent messages to his AP has been like a light switch and has really killed all my feelings for him. I have asked him to leave but he won’t but we are in separate rooms again.

Anyway, he is now blaming his continued contact with her on the drink and messaging her when drunk. I have not seen much evidence of her replying, but this morning he was saying she has begged him to leave for the past two years which he hasn’t as some evidence that he cares a lot about me. I am guessing she is now sick of him

Anyway, he is now admitting that he has an alcohol problem and is finally trying to get help for it by reading self help books. He is also agreeing to marriage counselling as the only form of therapy he will do, as he just hates it and says he needs my support. I have some concerns about this, as I feel so angry, hurt and let down and not sure if this will just trigger him to drink more.i also fee my being mean will not be good for him to quit.
I have been really mean to him, not allowing him to touch me, getting cross and angry which I have told him I didn’t want to do hence I wanted him to move out. It is like I am just finally so sick of the lying, and the infidelity and the drinking. But he seems to think he will get me back. He is constantly going through my phone, my search history and getting upset by that. He now keeps giving me his phone and wants me to go through it where as before he was cagey about it. Has he finally woken up to the damage he has caused? but it has been two years of it and I don’t know if this is fixable.

Have others been here? Dealt with addictions like this?

I’m guessing that if you search long enough you can probably find a book about how to remove your appendix at home in six easy steps...
Just like you can find self-help books about how to stop drinking.

Not drinking will be easy for him. All he needs to read is this:
STOP DRINKING. DON’T DRINK.

It’s really that simple.
What’s hard is REMAINING sober.
That’s where he will fail. Again, and again, and again, and again.

If he is sincere in his sobriety he will go to AA or something comparable.
Somewhere he has to be daily for the next 30-90 days and convince cynical people that have already seen this all that he’s still sober.
This is not something he will deal with by spending half an hour every evening reading a chapter in a book.

His infidelity might be supported by his alcoholism. But both are fed by his mentality.
In your shoes I would not bother with MC until he brings home the 60 day sober coin they will give him at AA – if he remains sober for that period.

The first step is admitting you have a problem...

Interesting that he doesn't want IC. Maybe he isn't ready to face his own discomfort about who he is an how he deals with things.

Make no mistake, he *needs* individual counseling. Not just marriage counseling.

Reading self help books is not appropriate treatment for alcoholism. He cannot have it both ways that his addiction is so bad that it causes him to do things like contact AP, but also he doesn't need IC or actual substance abuse treatment. You are still getting caught up in this idea that you are accountable to his potential recovery or self-improvement. Only he can work the process of treating the disease of alcoholism and becoming sober. There are support groups for people in your situation like Al-Anon, DV groups, and Codependents Anonymous.

You are not off the hook for what IS your responsibility because you asked him to move out and he refused. You are still accountable for exposing your children to this 100% of the time.

I'm sorry but this is just another way for him to find to blame his wayward behavior on something else. It's you, the drinking, his moment of weakness yada yada. From your past posts and your WH's behavior towards you I don't feel like he is a good candidate for R. He may never be. It is his job to fix himself and you do not need to be there to hold his hand. I would still 180 and focus on yourself. You have been there enough for him and he keeps failing at it and expects you to hold his hand. If you don't hold his hand he finds a wayward way to soothe himself. That is HIS issue.

My advice would be to separate while he works out his issues. Would he be willing to do that for a period of time, at least to give you a break and some peace of mind?

If you do it his way, you know what to expect.

He blames alcohol but will not do the hard work to address his issues. Instead he drags you into it and wants to take the easy way out.

And you know what the results will be.

This is where tough love is needed. YOU need to set the terms of how you want things to go.

He’s either all in or you should be able to be out.

Because YOU know it’s not easy to address an addiction and if you let him dictate the outcome by doing it his way, nothing will change and you will be in this position again.

Hardest thing I did was tell my H I was D him due to his affair. Broke my heart. But I can tell you standing up for myself and putting myself first and setting clear boundaries was a game changer. Once he realizes he no longer has any input or control was the day things started to change.

Tough love. Seems to be needed in your situation.

Thank you, I spoke to my parents about it and despite being very religious, they just want me to leave at this point.

I don’t know what I am playing out, in my head I am giving him until the summer holidays and then I plan to go home with the kids and not come back (he could apply to the courts to get me back).

I feel so damaged by it all. My mum said for her it was like being on a roller coaster with the ups and downs of my relationship for the past two years. Every time I would find messages I would tell her that I was done, only to try again. she was stressed by it, she could only imagine what it is like for me and the kids.

I now realise though that addiction is a major problem and I was in a bit of denial as he goes to work and holds down a really good job.

Lots of alcoholics are quite functional. They do a lot of damage to the people who love them.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:32 PM, Wednesday, May 7th]

I am so happy to read the support of your parents and your plans. Do not budge on your boundaries. It will be the best for you and your kids.

The fact that you told your mother is the best news you've given us. I know your husband made you feel very guilty for confiding in your family, and consequently, you were beating yourself up over supposedly "making him look bad," but I'm relieved that you're not letting that get in the way of telling your mom what's going on and getting the support that you need.

I don't know you personally, Lemonpie, but my heart breaks every time you post... I can only imagine how it must be for your mother to hear!

I don’t know what I am playing out, in my head I am giving him until the summer holidays and then I plan to go home with the kids and not come back (he could apply to the courts to get me back).

I think this is an excellent idea, especially because your husband has been violent to you and the children before. He can certainly try to get you back through the courts, but that's a process that could take years and cost him a fortune.

But to follow through on such a plan you need to be extra careful not to tip your hand. If he's monitoring your devices, you need to make sure that you're clearing your browser history regularly and aren't putting anything in text, email, etc that you don't want him to see. Going forward, I would pretend that everything is fine... unless he threatens you or lays on hand on you or the kids, in which case you call the authorities and you get out ASAP.

Lemon pie, I'll keep it brief but speak to your embassy.

They are there to support you in more ways than one and domestic violence is one such way. Contact them when you get that chance and you need to get back and I'm sure they will be there to support you in the ways you need.

Take care of yourself

as he goes to work and holds down a really good job.

One thing I can say positive about your husband is that based on what you have shared over the years about his affair, drinking and behavior then he probably is good at his job.

There is so much going on that if I were the HR manager or the CEO of his company I would be awake at night fearing the inevitable bomb. That might be legal action due to sexual harassment. That might be when the AP has had enough, or when (if the affair is ongoing) it impacts their work or threatens the company with legal action from the OW. That could be when he loses a client due to alcohol-breath, or his driving permit, or for missing a deadline due to a drunken stupor.

Rest assured – they KNOW of the affair and the drinking. Chances are he has already been taken aside for a friendly chat...
I have been in management for quite some time, and I know that the patience for this type of behavior is limited. Once he becomes a liability and ignores warnings... Well... I have personally had to fire friends.

I hate the term functional alcoholic. The functionality is at best like a slow leak in a car-tire. It will eventually become non-functional.

You place your location as Euorpe. I don’t know of a single European country where you could be sent back to a husband you don’t want to be with. I can imagine some legal dispute about the kids, but you would have a very strong legal right to have them with you, and it would be more of a legal dispute about visitation and/or custody.

Lemonpie – don’t let fear cause inaction on your part. You have more power than you think you do.

We have an alcoholic in our family. For the past few months he has been sober but it is a very steep uphill battle.
So, I am going to give you some tough love. Usually an addict has to hit rock bottom before they work on sobriety. Usually they have wrecked every relationship, every job and probably a car.
It would be a miracle if your ws stopped. Unless, and this is as rare as Sasquatch, he is not addicted to the alcohol but to the life style. In my relatives case it is true addiction but I do know two women who stopped cold turkey. They were no where near as knee deep in their use as my relative but both paid physically for the amount they drank over the years.
It is an epidemic in the US according to a dr I saw on tv a few months ago. His job, as a dr, is working with addicts and alcohol is way more dangerous than all the other drugs because it is legal.
You need to protect yourself. That includes financially.