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I'm honestly so broken found out beginning of may about husbands affair and he repeatedly told me they did not have sex and was more of an emotional affair. I stupidly believed it and it's been tough but we seemed to be finally getting somewhere until I saw the AP in town this morning wearing his hat, I have never confronted her in person even though I've seen her multiple times and I flipped and said why the hell are you wearing his clothes! Anyway after a conversation with her she said he's messaged her recently and showed me the messages, they were just general messages that she showed me but said he's been in contact with her multiple times and asked her not to tell me anything and it turns out he had been to her house on multiple occasions and slept with her, I honestly feel like such a fool and now I'm back to square one and destroyed all over again. I don't know how the hell to deal with all this especially when I felt like we were getting close again. How can people do this to people it's honestly evil.

Is about protecting his ego, the ego who allowed him to become a cheater, at the price of your blood.

Trickle truths are not a remorse driven confession so you can see in full what the person at your side is capable of, and kept hidden for, you.

They are protecting the betrayal, their AP, their ego.

While you die inside.

This is a teller for you, eye opener hopefully:

He didn’t change, he is not reformed, he is ashamed, not remurseful.

You aren’t being love once again. You are being managed.

His ego and the external validation of his image, are worth more to him than you. And consider that the worth of that stuff is next to zero.

He can put you below that. Convinced you will never find out, and he can play you anytime.

I don’t like to say it like this, but you probably feel it, since unlike your wayward I do respect your intelligence and sensitivity as a human being.

Now the thing is on you.

I hope you put yourself first and accept who this person truly his, who he chose to still be, rather than hoping you can love him out of being a cheater.

Nobody can.

But you sure can reclaim yourself fully and like you deserve, sister.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 12:43 PM, Tuesday, October 6th]

This is a 2nd d day for you, what information like this does is it sets you back to day 1 again. It rewrites everything you thought you knew about his affair, and now you have to go back to scratch and integrate this new info into a story you thought you completely understood. Or at least you were trying to understand.

I don't think the affair itself does as much damage to a relationship as it is the actions and words of the cheater after it's found out. Some will come clean right off the bat, but unfortunately those are the exception and not the norm. When we warn people that they likely don't have the whole story, it's not to hurt them or make things harder for them, it's to try and prepare them for future revelations like this. Or maybe press harder for the truth. Unfortunately there isn't anything anyone can say to prepare a person for discoveries like this, and no amount of pressing for the truth will extract it from a cheater determined to hide it.

Have you confronted your husband about this? If so, what did he say?

Thank you for your replies, yes you are both right and I honestly feel so stupid and I remember posting on this forum originally when I found out and getting annoyed as people kept saying he probably hasn't told me the whole truth and suprise suprise everyone was right and I feel like such a fool for even believing it. Yes I confronted him and he said he knew he admitted he slept with her at the time that we would be over for food and he didn't want that, it's all bullshit he was protecting himself and knew how bad he would look. It's more upsetting because I told him time and time again to be completely honest because I don't want to go through months and months of trying to repair this to then find out something else as it would destroy me all over again and he still chose to lie. I honestly don't know who he is anymore and I don't know how I'm going to move on especially as we have 2 young children. I'm completely broken.

Selenite, I’m so incredibly sorry, you did not deserve to find out that way.

Trickle truth is the work of a coward, I know it all too well. What is particularly painful for you is HE didn’t even have the decency to tell you himself, he let some fruit loop wearing his clothing, tell HIS wife of her reality.

There’s also another possibility, she could be lying. It’s no surprise that AP’s enjoy telling wonderful stories about their relationships with other people’s partners and they seem to enjoy going in for the kill, I’m confused as to why she showed you general messages when there should have been more appropriate ones to show you had they been sexual, she may be wanting to end your marriage.

I don’t know if you want to salvage your M but if so I’d recommend a polygraph, it will put a stop to trickle truth, a statement can be written by him with details and he can be asked if everything on his statement is true, if he’s hiding anything and if there’s anything else he has done within your marriage.

I’m nearly 2 years in to recovery and trickle truth can still be something very difficult to navigate, IMO it needs to be stopped immediately as it causes great damage.

Please take care of yourself, put yourself first, you have to right now.

Selenite, I got some trickle truth. I found out some info just a couple of days ago that changed my understanding about the early stages of our recovery. My wife was still in contact with her AP for longer than I'd realized. Not a lot longer, but longer than I had been led to believe.

What that does is raise so many more questions. "Well, I believed this one thing and I was wrong. What else is there that I don't know, or had been lied to about, waiting to come up and bite me again?

You're not foolish. You're not stupid. You were operating from, and doing the best you could with the information you had to work with at the time. That's not your fault. I know you didn't just accept what he told you right off the bat. You pressed him. You told him how important the truth was. He continued to lie. You're not a mind reader and you wanted to believe him. I know that position. I live it, too. Don't beat yourself up over this.

The question now is, what are you going to do with this information, and is this going to be a dealbreaker? People often think there are lines that once crossed there's no coming back, but actually experiencing it is a whole different thing. I was there. I was one of those "if she ever cheats, I'm out!" type of people. Well, she cheated, and I'm still here. I get it. You'll get no judgement from me or anyone else here.

Selenite,

Breaking no contact is pretty common but it’s very serious. It’s not just the TT and resetting your healing and all the rest, it’s that it could mean the A is not really over. How is he proving to you that the A is over? You can’t rely on AP’s word, obviously, because she may well want the A to continue.

You can’t control him, you can only control what you do. I think you should at a minimum, consult with an attorney, just to inform yourself as to what a D would look like. Not to make a decision, but to understand what it would be like if you go that route, and to understand what information etc. you would need to prepare a filing. Don’t be afraid to let your WH know you are doing that. Sounds like he needs a reality check.

I went back to my first post on your situation. At that time I had trepidation about posting, because there is a fine balance between giving hope and painting a black situation. I felt I might be pushing you away by voicing my concerns about his story.

I take no pleasure in having probably been correct that he was keeping something back…

I want to make a very tough suggestion…
Why doesn’t he move in with OW if she’s the bomb? If she’s so desirable, so wear-my-hat worthy, so willing to risk hurting you again level?

I don’t know where you are located, but I encourage you in the strongest possible way to spend maybe a couple of hours researching what divorce would really look like. What obligations would he have to meet, what expectations to have, what the process is like and so on.
Not suggesting you do this in order to file or that divorce is inevitable. If you can, then view this a bit like the safety-check pilots do before take-off. They aren’t done with the intention or even expectation of crashing, but simply a precaution to feel more secure in reaching their destination.
Once you realize that a POSSIBLE divorce is a brighter future than ongoing infidelity and abuse (because when he insists he had the affair because if your shortcomings it’s abuse…) you are in a position of power to expect change. That’s where you can go and tell him:

"Why don’t you just go and spend your nights with OW? We can figure out some temporary arrangements for the kids and visitation, and finalize it with a divorce that will handle our assets, debts, custody, support and all that.
It’s not what I want, but even less do I want to be constantly worried about you being with OW. It’s better for me to simply assume you are constantly thinking of her and wanting to be with her rather than worry about it.
If you want this marriage then it’s up to you to convince me that you do. Words only go so far. I will need to see actions and accountability. It’s totally up to you to decide what YOU want, but what is 100% clear is I refuse to share you and I refuse to remain in infidelity. Until you tell me in a very clear and vocal way that you want this marriage, and follow it through with consistent action I’m simply assuming you have chosen her. I refuse to sink to the level of competing with her.
Now – was that decisive and confident enough for you?

And then simply wait and see what his response might be. Only don’t wait too long. Demand and expect change, be that by starting the process of divorce, or starting a more realistic path to reconciliation.

The more I think about it, while the fact that he lied about sex is bad, really bad, I think him staying in contact with her is just as bad, if not worse.

I can intellectually understand why he lied about the sex. That's not to excuse it, but I understand it. Understanding g it not the same thing as excusing it. There's no reason whatsoever to maintain contact, tho. Not if he's truly remorseful and serious about wanting to fix this.

I think Bigger's suggestion is a good one and I like what he typed up for you. It's a good way to stop just reacting and take some of your agency back. To let him know you're not playing games. You're not putting up with his deception and this is very real. He needs slapped with some reality.

Selenite,

Not only is it TT but you had to hear it from the AP. That’s worse IMO. She may be lying or exaggerating, but she obviously has been in contact with him and brazenly is wearing his hat around town. So I tend to believe that there was MORE than he said for sure.

Time for you to stop driving R. He needs to dig deep and decide what he wants. And PROVE it to you via actions. Focus on the 180 and you and your kids. Focus on healing you. Are you in IC? Even online IC can help you stabilize. And this is another DDAY and puts you back to zero, so expect to feel the same, or worse.

I also 2nd what Bigger suggested. See a couple lawyers and get a clear picture of D, Knowledge is power and will reduce your fear of the unknown. So many of our decisions as BS are on fear of the unknown, so try to alleviate those as much as possible.

Hang in there friend, and do not beat yourself up. Most of us thought we had married the unicorn that was 100% truthful… and most of later realized we were married to run of the mill, everyday unoriginal cheaters. And they really do seem to all operate from the mythical "cheaters’ handbook".

Go back to basics— healthy eating, lots of water, exercise, sleep. The 180 can help give your brain a much needed break. Take care of yourself just like on the 1st DDAY.

Sending strength…

I’m going to reiterate what everyone else is telling you. They are all correct.
The harder you charge at him, the faster you’ll see what his real intentions are. Being in any form of limbo where you don’t even know which way is up is a mental and physical killer.