SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Posting this as a member who cares for this site and not as a member of Staff, and maybe a more as a vent and contemplation rather than any expectation of change.

If we are talking about GOT-type fantasy, stories of dragons and hobbits, space-travel or time travel… then not much. You know it’s fantasy and imagination, and act within that boundary. Nobody has bought a Delorian and realistically expected to time-travel.
I guess even scenarios where you pretend you are the shy student about to get a spanking from the sexy teacher is OK – as long as you aren’t really an underage student about to get a spanking from a real teacher but rather as a part of some effort to spice up your sex-life…

Nothing wrong with fantasy…
If everyone knows it’s fantasy.

Every now and then we get fantasy on this site.
I even think most infidelity has fantasy. It’s the type of fantasy where the WS thinks rutting in the rear-seat of a Mazda is sexy and romantic, where meeting your "soulmate" in the office-supply room at work is "cute" and where the rent-by-the-hour room at the motel discreetly on the edge of town is "classy". Part of semi-standard advice offered here is precisely to BREAK the fantasy by making it reality. All of a sudden, when the Evil Black Knight or Ogre Queen is no longer preventing the WS from riding away into the sunset with their soulmate the fantasy becomes reality, and reality is what it is. That "soulmate" that always smells of roses – she also farts and gripes and doesn’t look too hot after a day of work, house chores and tending to the kids. That "soulmate" snores, leaves a skid-mark in his tired old cotton boxers, drinks beer and spends too much time watching sports.

But we also get another type of fantasy…
That’s the made-up stories that pop up here every now and then.
That’s when somebody signs on purely to share some story that sounds real but has no basis in reality.

That’s OK in itself… Except it really isn’t…

Let’s go through some of the reasons:

For one it takes resources. Time spent reading and suggesting a path forward to a fantasy-story is time that could have been offered to someone dealing with reality.

Then there is the way this site functions. Only a portion of those that register share or post. Many just read, and they learn about their situations and what to do from reading what others have experienced and done. This is where fantasy is possibly at its worst. Someone writing fantasy hasn’t done the work, hasn’t worn the t-shirt, paid the lawyers, gone to court, confronted a real person or any of the gazillion steps we that have gone through. Their story, the reactions and their steps… about as real as a fistfight in a Hollywood movie. Someone reading might decide that copying what’s in that thread might be a great idea.

I could list several dozen examples but will limit myself to one from a classic troll-post many old-timers will recognize. The poster who claimed to be a Navy SEAL. In his story he went from discovery to divorce in something like 30 days, and in the divorce a sympathetic judge signed the marital assets over to him, refused any alimony and basically cast the cheating wife to the curb.
If I was a freshly betrayed husband reading that… Wow! I would be off filing, expecting to have EVERYTHING within 30-40 days! Yet based on the location of the gallant SEAL (as shared by him) the law explicitly prohibited infidelity from being considered when dividing assets Anyone thinking this fine example of a patriot was worth following would be headed towards the edge of a cliff.

Then there is the moderation/staff part…
This is an all-volunteer site. We on the staff can flag a poster we find suspect, and I have no doubt that Mangled Heart the admin has his tools to stop known trolls at the gates. But it’s complex… Anybody that wants to get here can get here. Whatever technological gate system is installed, a technically semi-savvy person can bypass. Despite what might be shared on some other sites, relatively few posters are banned here, and then mainly those that spam. The afore-mentioned Popeye is one of very few that has been publicly banned. I think the line-of-thought is that it’s better to let some weirdo get his kicks through his fantasy, rather than maybe blocking someone that actually does have a very scripted and linear fantasy-sounding situation.

Often, it’s quite harmless, except for how resource-hungry these threads can be. Writing from imagination rather than reality allows the poster to create the most elaborate and enthralling plots that tend to pull more responders in. Some aren’t as harmless and can even cause pain and discord on this site. Some have endured and are regularly referred to as how to act, but fortunately most of them simply slip away into the digital black hole of page 50 and beyond.

I don’t really know what those that do this are seeking. What kick they get. My wife is an ER/ICU nurse, and she says that there are people that seek out going to ER with all sorts of fake ailments. I guess it might be a digital version of that mental disorder.

I think I need to end this post on a reminder of the Guidelines, in case someone wants to respond by naming a user they might think is a troll or sharing a fake story. Don’t publish their names, but if you feel so inclined PM a member of staff with your concerns.

NAMING, FLAMING & SHAMING: Please refrain from name calling, attacking or shaming, publicly or by using the SI.com Private Message feature. Do not bait or call out others. This includes members and non-members.

I remember Mr seal. He definitely went above and beyond with his time and effort.

Every fake story at some point has a single detail that is so outlandish that makes it obvious it’s made up. It’s like they just can’t help themselves to include it.

I recommend reading posts pretty closely, at least until one gets used to a poster's style. I look for internal inconsistencies, style, and content.

Many years ago some POS wrote a wall of text in which he buried a statement that he was on SI because he dreamed his GF cheated on him.

It's easy to be fooled in today's world, since we don't know how to filter for decently written lies or plagiarism of posts from years ago. Gotta be vigilant.

*****

IIRC, the supposed seal revealed what would have been classified information, which was when I stopped reading the thread.

*****

I loved my red Mazda3. The fact that the back seat looked uncomfortable for sex is just plain irrelevant. If I had been 18-22 and in love with my W2b, that would not have stopped me, though she probably would have.

Thank you for this post, Bigger. I have always respected the guideline about reporting suspected trolls rather than calling them out myself. Sometimes, that has been a frustrating rule to follow.

Take the case of Buzzy/Discord (eventually publicly confirmed by staff as a trolling incident). For those who weren't here at the time, this troll appeared as two separate personas, one a BS and one a WS, with separate storylines. The fictitious BH carried on a flagrant revenge affair. This both crushed his "WW" and incentivized her to become a wildcat in the bedroom. The BW persona was suspicious that her H was having an affair and grappled with his refusal to drop the friendship with his female gym partner.

These threads took off and sucked the oxygen away from real-life situations that were less dramatic and less linear. Posts by genuinely suffering people went unanswered. Meanwhile, on the fake threads, people were triggered. The BH was held up as a role model. Arguments broke out. I spoke privately with more than one member who said the plight of the BW kept them awake at night.

Eventually, Buzzy/Discord was outed, and people moved on. However, I personally don't think that was the last time this troll visited the site to ply their trade. There have been a few times that I suspected they were actually trying to be noticed, dropping hints that tied them back to their earlier exploits. I've also reported other, unrelated trolls that were subsequently banned.

I encourage everyone reading to exercise critical thinking skills when a story catches the public imagination and takes off running. Of course, dramatic situations do happen IRL. I remember one long, involved thread about a WH's affair with a neighbor, deliberately humiliating the BW, and if that one was fake, then I was (and still am) completely fooled. But there are others -- unfortunately, quite a few -- that I have met with a healthy dose of skepticism.

There's not much we can do about people who come here deliberately trying to fuck with the mental health of our membership. They're just pathetic, attention-seeking losers who have nothing better to do. But for those who don't think they're doing any harm -- who are practicing their writing skills or performing "thought experiments" or whatever -- please don't. It does cause harm, whether you mean it to or not.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 9:18 PM, Sunday, July 5th]

You know it’s interesting. First off I do agree with you, these stories evoke emotional responses and they aren’t good. It’s also just sad. This is how you either engage with other human beings, get attention, or get your kicks? By yanking on the heart strings of people with trauma? It’s a sad person who does this, no matter what their motivation is.

That being said, I actually owe quite a bit to a fake story. I had long since buried my feelings of shame, inadequacy and abandonment from my own betrayal years ago. My life was going well on the surface, but my mental health was not in a good place, combine that with unresolved issues from a decade of rigorous medical training that depleted what was left of my empathy, and I was on cruise control, but not in a great way.

One day on reddit, I came across (what is now a somewhat famous post) in their supportforbetrayed forum. It popped up on the main feed, I never even knew there were subreddits related to infidelity. I read this story, which played out over several weeks or perhaps months I don’t recall. It evoked significant feelings in me, and all the people who commented on it. I really started to struggle. That was the beginning of my purusit of understanding (as much as one can) about infidelity, the mind of a wayward spouse, and the path to healing.

That post sent me to hell. But, it also was one of the final tipping points that sent me to therapy. My mental health is so much better these days. Through relentless reading of the reddit infidelity pages I found this website which was the creme of the crop. There is not nearly as much engagement here as reddit, but the overall poster is (I feel) more mature, nuanced and empathetic. There is mostly witch burning on reddit, and that doesn’t help anybody.

So even though I am almost positive that story was fake (it actually mirrors one years ago on this board - both ended in tragedy), I do give it credit for kicking off my journey, which has ultimately improved my mental health, understanding of infidelity, but mostly, my understanding of my own self worth, what I control, and what I can and cannot live with.

So while I don’t approve of people posting fake stories, I am grateful to be where I am today.

I don’t support this type of fantasy, but it’s something I was actually thinking about for a few weeks before this thread was created, so I thought I’d weigh in. Though there isn’t much helpful in my post, and I am certainly not endorsing such behavior.

We should have a sticky with links to the "best of" fake stories. While they can be entertaining, it’s also really good training for people to spot future fakes easier.

Oh the wonders of the ego!
This is good stuff (and the idea to have a sticky could be also fun, but probably is against the rules themselves), I wonder if there’s a connection between the infidelity issues and this kind of behavior that is sort of a sim game. Intuition tingles feels plausible.

However this right here really really traumatized me:

Nobody has bought a Delorian and realistically expected to time-travel.

So now what am I going to do with all that plutonium???

If anyone needs it I’ll send it to the store in hill valley.

Man life sucks