Why do you think my posts trigger you so much?
Your posts betray lack of self-awareness. I just edited out a list of other problems I see in your posts, but the triggers come from your lack of self-awarenedd in areas like setting up straw men and drawing firm conclusions on the basis of projection, and insufficient knowledge.
Been there, done that, chenged, and become happier and much more effective in life. It's so easy, and so useful, and you don't see it, so I trigger.
Note: my logic was always pretty good. I did less projection than most people, shich was part of my pathology. I also have always been pretty good at avoiding drawing conclusions on too little data, also part of my pathology.
But I was pretty high on the lack-of-self-awareness scale. Even though I'm probably low-average on that scale now, I really do not like to see it. BTW, my career success, such as it was, came because I perceived things that people missed.
*****
My repeated recommendation that sharing one's own experience with infidelity helps most is based on ideas like:
TLDR - lots of personal experience seeing how people change when the share themselves and don't change when they stay at the level of theory, lots of reading, understanding the futility of speculating on the internal processing of people one knows, much less of people one doesn't know. I can expand on these claims, but I can't verify any claims, so I won't bother anyone with additional paragraphs.
If you want to heal from the impact of infidelity on yourself, you've got personal issues. Sharing is necessary to heal a personal issue. Theory is a way of distancing oneself from the issue. Observation tells me that. So does logic.
*****
SI is anonymous - really. We've had members threaten suicide, and we have no way to get help to those few people. Given the anonymity, it's a great place to take down your defenses and share your self. My bet is that you'll be pleasantly surprised if you do.
*****
Often the 'need' external validation isn't understood or even recognized. IMO, the need for EV is closely connected to a person who senses a 'hole' in their sense of self and come to believe EV - another person - can fill that hole.
I have to agree that the payoffs in an affair are probably multiple for all WSEs.
But I also know that at least one A (my W's) almost definitely would not happened without that need for external validation, without the 'hole' she felt in herself, and without the hope that someone else could fill that hole.
Since the EV was the sine qua non of the A, and since the other payoffs of the A were not enough to draw my W into an A for 44+ years, I don't have any problem seeing the desire for EV as the single - pure - cause of her A.
If she's not alone - and a lot of WSes and BSes write of the hole they feel inside, I don't think she is - it's an intellectual and logical error to discount the need for EV as THE cause of many As.
But the reason the WS cheated is largely irrelevant to the BS's healing. The BS's task is to heal from the wound of being betrayed, irrespective of the WS's reason for cheating or the nature of the A.
Speculating on the mind of the WS takes energy away from healing, just as any other speculating does.
*****
My post-d-day calculus was:
If I R'ed - that is, if R worked the way I wanted it to - I'd build a great M with someone I loved and who was there for me for 45 years. I'd be able to give and receive physical love for a long time, and I'd spend my last years with someone who knew and loved the real me.
If I D'ed, I'd move in a place that I wanted to live since college, have sex with young women to my heart's content, some very skilled (though the skills would come at a cost), come back in 6 months - 5 years and maybe find someone I could love as much as I loved my W and who loved me as much as she did. But I might not. I might have to spend the rest of my life without giving or receiving love, especially physical love.
Those were my primary valuse, which I share here because different values could lead to a different outcome, at least at the emotional level.
Both outcomes were very attractive, but R seemed like the better choice. My gut told me R was a sure thing, but only part of my being believed that. Most of my being made us ahow it would work with consistent actions over a long period.
*****
** member to member **
@wbfa,
You seem to be saying that you're proud and happy to write off WWs and male BSes who choose R. Further, you seem to say you have a double-standard, and a misogynistic one, too. On what basis do you think WWs any worse than WHs? How is a male BS any worse than a female BS or a male BS who chooses to D?
If I''m misreading your post, pleas clarify. TUA.
[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:38 PM, Sunday, July 5th]
