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My husband asked me to marry him three months after we met, we were married 6 months after we had met. We were very young 19 & 20, in love and stupid.

Although very young I always knew that I never wanted children out of wedlock, I grew up with a saying from my grandmother, if you can’t make her a wife then don’t make her a mother, I’ve raised my boys with this too.

If either of my boys came to me and told me they were proposing to someone they had been dating 3 months I would advise against it but ultimately I’d support their choice and have faith they know what they’re doing, they’re smart kids.

Should anything happen to my M I would never marry again. Firstly because it effects boys psychologically if they see their mother with a man that is not their father and secondly, nobody is going to make me a mother again so there is no need for me to become a wife.

Don’t.

You can have sex and love without marriage. If you are not planning on kids-just live together or live separately.

I think marriage is an outdated institution

Do people also find a difference in being married compared to a long term monogamous relationship?

In Australia once you live together for a certain period of time you are considered defacto and so I believe all the same rules apply with regards to splitting of assets and parenting rights.

Would I feel less hurt if I wasn’t married? Doubt it. I still had the same ideals before being married and believed we both shared them. I guess I just got married because in my head it was another level of commitment but in reality it should just be the same.

Another reason for me, now that I believe marriage means nothing 😢

Do people also find a difference in being married compared to a long term monogamous relationship?

In most states in the US, common law marriages don't exist. It takes conscious action to end up hitched with all those accompanying legal rights and responsibilities. Splitting after just living together monogamously can be even more legally challenging. Theoretically, if one person owns the home (title/mortgage) they would be able to just evict the other. If both are on the deed, then you would hope there was some sort of contract delineating ownership percentages if one brought more into it.

The marriage covenant isnt really an issue when you have smooth sailing.

A couple can decide on their respective roles in the relationship; responsibilities, fidelity, parenting, where to live, career decisions... irrespective of if they are married or cohabiting. Like... a married couple can willingly and mutually agree on swinging or an open marriage and still be both faithful and married. Just like a couple cohabiting can decide on monogamy and be faithful to that despite no marriage.

I also think entering a potentially long-term relationship (and you should never marry if that’s not your goal) while focusing on the easiest way out isn’t conductive to success.
I also think that two individuals that decide to cohabit but try to live as separate lives as possible are not likely to reach their goals. Like... if you go on holiday and your partner has to stay at a motel instead of your hotel because of separate budgets and separate incomes. Your house can be just as foreclosed even if you always paid half of the mortgage, and your partner didn’t...

But the real issues arise when the sailing isn’t so smooth.
Like when you die after a long, happy marriage and your sibling, or your child from your first marriage, or your mom who always hated your partner... whatever... might have legal ability to inherit because the home is in your name, or force a sale because half the home is in your name. Leaving your grieving partner homeless. Something that in many states and countries protects a legal spouse from happening.
Or when you are refused admission to the ICU to visit your partner after a serious accident because legally you aren’t related. Something a legal spouse would be.
Or when a collector makes you aware that he CAN take things from your house for the debt your partner incurred without your acceptance or knowledge. Something that many states and countries require that both legal partners sign off on.

Of course, you and your partner can deal with all these issues with legal, notarized memorandums, wills and contracts. On your way to the hospital after hearing of your partners injuries you can drop off at home and get a copy of the medical emergency access permit. Have the hospital legal-team go over it before discussing the next steps in treatment.

Or... you just get married.

Virtually every society on earth has a tradition that we would recognize as "marriage." It may not be 100%, but it might be 99%. And this includes societies that haven’t been touched by religions we are familiar with, or Disney.

Some have have elaborate ceremonies, and some no ceremony at all.

But "why"?

I think the answer is simple.

Children.

Society, that’s us, collectively, doesn’t want to be burdened with destitute "illegitimate" children and their mothers.

Most societies treat such children and their mothers harshly, as a warning to others. "It takes a village" is silly; in this area, the "village" is likely to turn its back. It takes a couple. The village wants us to take care of our children, and maybe each other, as well. And I note that widows have an honored position in many societies.

The deal was, if we are allowed to engage in sex, we will take care of offspring. I wonder if it’s a mistake to allow men, mostly, to escape the deal they made. Does easy divorce help abused women? Of course, but it’s not without a cost.

In a modern society, there are many reasons to marry, as bigger had pointed out. But those reasons were not the genesis of marriage.

Children.

Not as simple as just children. I married twice neither time with the intention of having children though I picked up some in the second. It was a choice to share life with all its challenges and benefits as a couple. Marriage is the one stop contract that gives you rights in medical, legal, retirement, and inheritance.

Individuals find marriage attractive for lots of their own reasons, but marriage exists as an institution for the reason stated by FPP. Children.

Marriage was created for the legal consolidation and preservation of property. For most of western history, the marital status of the parents at the time of a child's birth defined the default rights of that child to inherit their assets, up to and including dynastic power roles. That's also one of the reasons that religions imposed vows of celibacy on their clerics. A clergyperson might break their vows, and an illegitimate child might result, but without marriage, the property of the church was protected from inheritance claims.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 6:51 PM, Sunday, May 11th]

So my primary understanding of what marriage meant when I got married was informed by what I understood from my Christian faith. I understood it to be the best human analog to the relationship between the divine and the mortal. The notion of contracts and inheritance and child legitimacy didn’t even enter my mind. It probably felt so completely assumed to not even be worth discussing.
I never considered the possibility that I could be betrayed. I suppose that makes me naive, as I’ve been accused of. But my ideals were lofty, and I can admire myself for that.
What we are talking about here feels like a large deviation of what I once thought marriage was. It seems I have a choice to make of what I want to believe going forward.

Inkhulk, you weren’t the only naive one. I was beyond naive. Although, I didn’t have the religious faith you brought to the marriage I too never fathomed betrayal. It was something in the movies or the behavior of low class trash. Only after opening up to my mother did I learn how horrifically common it was in my family. In fact, most of the people who helped raise me including my father, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc all cheated. My mom was one of the few who did not yet my father cheated on her. As sad as it was to learn, it oddly helped me feel like my life was less of a freak show. 🤦‍♀️

So my primary understanding of what marriage meant when I got married was informed by what I understood from my Christian faith. I understood it to be the best human analog to the relationship between the divine and the mortal.

That’s my perspective, but I’d describe it differently: God’s purpose in marriage, in the ideal, is to create a living parable which points forward to the ultimate fulfillment of marriage, the eternal marriage of the ultimate groom (Christ) and the ultimate (cleansed, redeemed) bride, His people (Rev 19). Marriage "done right" from a Biblical perspective is where the husband serves the role of Christ, being willing to lay down his life for his bride if necessary, and of loving, servant leadership. The role of the bride is to serve the role of the church (His people, that is, marked by those who look to Christ alone for redemption), where she glorifies God by her respect, faithfulness, and her supporting advisory role to her husband’s leadership. All laid out most clearly in the latter part of Eph 5.

Of course in this fallen world, the reality always misses the mark. The entire book of Hebrews is a cataloguing of man’s failure to live up to God’s purpose for man to reflect being made in His image. That’s all by design. It shows us no matter what, we’re utterly incapable of "cleaning ourselves up". We need the redemptive work of Christ on the cross.

If I ever found myself single and considering re-marriage, I would seriously look into getting married in my church, but forgo the state. For millennia, Christians were married by pastors alone. The state’s involvement is yet another example of the road to hell being paved by good intentions.