SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

All of the straight to the point advice is appreciated, and I am digesting it.

To be clear about some facts pertaining to my particular situation:

the PA that she had via phone sex 6 wks ago was with an out of state friend of 20+ years. He is married, and has one child. I have not made any contact with him or his wife.

The EA is with a divorced man who has been a family acquaintance for about 4 years through our children’s school. Our contact with him has increased gradually over time as our children have grown to be closer friends. My examination of phone records shows an increase in messaging between them over the last 3-5 months. I don’t have any concrete proof that their communication is flirtatious or sexual, and of course that has been denied by my WW. I agree that regardless of the content, a line has been crossed. My wife and I have discussed the issue twice in the last two weeks. I have not confronted the OP.

I have intermittently been on meds in the past for depression, and wanted to see my old psychiatrist, but alas he is retired, so I selected someone from his practice. I did not include that information in my original post, and I see that it reads like depression and anxiety are new to me. I have my first (ever) IC appointment 4 days from now.

I am reading NOT "Just Friends." Thanks to the many who have suggested it.

At the moment I feel better about me, having spoken out loud with my psychiatrist about my situation, and having written about it. There’s a beneficial effect from the exercises of speaking and listening and writing that helps to process it all. Thanks again for the feedback.

What you are describing about the friend is known as grooming. It is a method predators befriend a woman or child and they become the ultimate best friend. After a time the victim genuinely is in love with the predator and before they know it they are in a sexual situation.

Even guys that look like bridge trolls that use this approach can go through a work place and be screwing several coworkers and have more on the string.

You need to call the guy right now and tell him that if he keeps stalking your wife you will seek a restraining order

It doesn’t matter if your wife is texting some guy "friend" 75x a day for the last few months and it’s "nothing" or it’s harmless.

She is still cheating.

She doesn’t include you in the texts.

She does it despite your telling her you don’t appreciate her spending time focused on some other guy.

She’s addicted to the "thrill" she gets from the attention and interaction she gets from him.

She is acting like a middle school kid with their first crush - and she doesn’t want to acknowledge the disrespect and lack of attention she is giving you.

You know it’s "wrong" b/c she won’t show you the texts and does it w/out including you in the text exchanges.

You are not over reacting and you are not wrong. My H tried to okay off his first 4 year EA as "she’s a friend". Yup she was a "friend" trying to have an affair with my H. It was obvious. But my H loved the attention and refused to stop being "friends" (before texts and cell phones).

You need to call the guy right now and tell him that if he keeps stalking your wife you will seek a restraining order

I understand the desire to take control of the situation, but this would be an empty threat. No judge is going to issue a restraining order at the request of a third party who is unhappy about texting between two other consenting adults.

What you are describing about the friend is known as grooming. It is a method predators befriend a woman or child and they become the ultimate best friend. After a time the victim genuinely is in love with the predator and before they know it they are in a sexual

situation.

OP’s wife is a grown-ass adult woman; she’s not a victim. She’s involved in a consensual relationship with another man. And for all we know, she might be the one who seduced OM!

Further, exchanging phone calls and texts with a married woman does not fit the legal definition of stalking and if OP were to make this threat or attempt to file a restraining order he would get laughed at.

Have you considered notifying her sexting partner's wife?

She deserves to know. And it's unlikely your wife is his first.

Yes, of course I have considered telling the spouse of the physical (sexting) AP. I understand the principle that she deserves to know. I do. I understand. But on the other hand, do I deserve the responsibility to be the teller? I get nothing from that role, and quite frankly I have a lot on my plate right now. I admit I have been selfish in this regard, and I am quite cognizant of how withholding that information has repercussions.

Aside from what I said above, I don’t yet have a well formed opinion on what is the morally or ethically correct direction to go with that. I am interested in hearing more on this subject.

"My soulmate stumbled and fell. I just want to pick her up and carry her home."

That’s just how I felt, but it’s wrong.

Your soulmate snuck away in the middle of the night, and thought you wouldn’t notice.

You want to drag her back, kicking and screaming if need be.

Telling the other man’s wife has one of two likely outcomes:

1. His wife confronts him and he never contacts your wife again.

2. His wife kicks him to the curb and he makes a more determined effort with your wife.

If your wife learns that you contacted his wife, your wife will be furious with you.

You’re reading Not Just Friends. Good. You might also try Women’s Infidelity: Living in Limbo by Michelle Langley.

Langley’s books (there are two; pretty quick reads, she sells them on her website) will counsel that your wife’s behavior is consistent with a woman who no longer wants to be married.

Maybe dragging her back is not the thing to do.

Morally and ethically, the choice is clear: you tell the AP’s spouse because it’s the right thing to do. She deserves to know what’s going on in her own life. She should know if her husband is doing things behind her back that could damage her health. She should know before she makes any other critical decisions that her spouse can’t be trusted.

But let’s be real… you’re not on the fence about the moral or ethics of telling the OBS. You don’t want to tell the OBS because you know your wife will be furious at you for it. And you’re afraid that telling OBS might free up the OM to pursue your wife… and that she will choose him over you.

As long as your fear of upsetting and losing your wife are motivating your decisions, then you will remain stuck in infidelity.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 12:20 PM, Monday, May 12th]

But on the other hand, do I deserve the responsibility to be the teller? I get nothing from that role, and quite frankly I have a lot on my plate right now

Adults need to act like adults. There are four people in this scenerio, three know the truth.

What is this about deserving responsibility? You've come to this site asking for advice "deserving" of a spouse betrayed and trying to navigate the situation.

Your wife is in an active affair.

The right thing to do is to tell the OBS. But logically, the best way to blow everything up would be to tell the obs and give the AP a wake up call.

Question is, why are you shielding an AP who persists to disrespect you and your marriage?

Genuine question?

But on the other hand, do I deserve the responsibility to be the teller? I get nothing from that role, and quite frankly I have a lot on my plate right now.

You’re not acting in your own best interests by keeping the OBS in the dark. If you actually want this cheating to stop, you’d tell her ASAP. What do you think the OBS will do when you give her proof of her husband’s adultery? Yell at you? No. She’ll go confront her husband, who will with 99% probability drop your wife life a hot stone and never contact her again.

So if you want this relationship to continue, by no means inform the OBS!

I am grateful for all of the responses. I must admit that it is hard to see the truth of things when the conversation is only occurring in my own mind. So I am appreciative of the experience that you all have shared with me. I’m sure that I am not the first to be confused about right and wrong in these forums and about which actions to take.

Adults need to act like adults. There are four people in this scenario, three know the truth.

I hate the secrets, the lies, and the ongoing betrayal. There are lots of things I can’t control, but I can and should make decisions that fit with my values.
I have a message to craft. If there is any advice about how the information should be conveyed, I’d like to hear it.

FYI, I found a thread When informing the other betrayed spouse goes sideways. Any others I should look at?

** Member to Member **

Morally and ethically, the choice is clear: you tell the AP’s spouse because it’s the right thing to do. She deserves to know what’s going on in her own life. She should know if her husband is doing things behind her back that could damage her health. She should know before she makes any other critical decisions that her spouse can’t be trusted.

Amen.

*****

There's no guarantee your WS's ap will choose their BS.

In any case, IMO, it's going to be extremely difficult to build R on an OBS's insistence that their WS stop the A. R comes from internal decisions by a WS to change from cheater to good partner.

If the WS is dumped by the ap, I'd be afraid that the decision to come back to the M is temporary - IOW, I'd be afraid that the next time someone better than you comes along, your WS is likely to want to pursue it.

Sometimes the best scenario is for BS to inform OBS, for OBS to make their WS choose between the OBS and your WS, and for the 2 WSes to leave their respective BSes. That frees the BSes with a minimum of effort.

IOW, I'm all for you to inform OBS - and then decide between D & R based on what you want and your WS's level of remorse and NOT on what your WS says they want.

*****

Better still is for you to take effective actions to get what you want, whether the actions are successful or not. You want your W to stop cheating. What you've done so far has not worked.

Therefore, start doing something different. Do not give in to your very reasonable fear. Instead prepare your response if the next thing you do doesn't get you the results you want.

Above all, do not rugsweep. That leads to years of pain.

Of course, a decision to rugsweep now can be rescinded later. But why put yourself through that additional pain? Why not just act in your own best interests NOW?

Remember, every minute you spend with your W adds pain and prevents you from finding someone who will return your love....

OP, I would keep the message as brief and to the point as can be-- all facts and no editorializing.

Something like:

Dear [OBS],

My name is [OP] and my wife is [WW]. I'm writing to let you know your husband was having phone sex with my wife. As far as I know, these phone sex sessions occurred between [Month/Day/Year] and [Month/Day/Year]. I found out because I walked in one of the conversations while it was happening.

If you would like to discuss this further, please call me at [phone number].

Sincerely,

[OP]

I didn't include any gory details in the message because I think it's up to OBS to decide if she wants that specific information. Also, you don't want to put any information in writing that the OM can lie his way around.

But just a heads up: don't be surprised if the OBS actually knows more than you think.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 5:19 PM, Monday, May 12th]