SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey Pete, the way I described what went down in my situation might come across like I was Mr decisive and took no crap, but the truth is I was a mess. I put up with a lot of crap for the first month or so. I only told you what I eventually did. At first I tiptoed around, considered her feelings first, accepted blame, allowed her to maintain a "just friends" relationship with her AP to avoid being "controlling." I didn't want to "invade her privacy" by looking through her devices... I did the pick me dance.

No one is handed a guidebook on how to deal with infidelity when they get married. We all feel like fools and losers when it hits. Almost no one has a perfect response to this. It's so disorienting and devastating. Most of us are drowning in doubt and fear so we start reaching for and grabbing for anything that might resemble a floatation device.

It took some time for me to find my resolve and start taking action, and really, some of my wife's reactions were worse than your wife's when I found out what was going on. She blame shifted, argued, justified, talked shit about me to her friends, continued to keep secrets, and fought with me to remain "just friends" with the guy. I put up with it.

So don't feel bad and don't beat yourself up. This is very disorienting. Your whole world has been turned upside down. That's normal. And don't worry about your thread taking up space. There are plenty of 50 page threads here. If it gets that big, you just start a new one. I'd rather see someone have a huge thread than not ask questions and seek advice. Thats precisely what these forums are here for.

I guess I’m scared that if I find proof of continued contact that means I should walk away. I’d have to wouldn’t I?

I would say you have to be willing to walk away. There’s just no way to make someone stop having an affair. If there were, the playbook on that would be the pinned post at the top of this forum.

Just so you know, it’s really pretty common for WSs to break NC. Most people think of it like an addict having a relapse. But if she does this, then you’re still in infidelity. At that point, to get out of infidelity you have to take matters into your own hands and do like Pogre did.

Can I ask, did she say how her in person therapy went? Hopefully she sees it as valid and something she can use to work thru her issues.

One thing I don't see you discussing, although I may have missed it in your posts, is your first entry mentioned she felt pressured to marry you so as not to lose you. So does she truly want to be married to you? That may be as important a question as to why she cheated.

It seems like maybe she feels she lost out on other opportunities to be in this relationship. I'm sorry if that's too painful to consider but it's a question I would need answered if I were you and thinking about if you should stay with her.

Sorry again for the pain you are experiencing.

@pogre

Once again, your responses have been so helpful. I feel like you and I have handled our situations similarly and I appreciate your input immensely. Wish I could shake your hand and thank you face to face. Really, everyone here actually.

@letmebefrank

I think that’s the next step. I have to show that I’m willing to walk. Not just think it. We’re due for another big conversation soon. Just not right now, especially now that I’m in bed with a fever and have to work tomorrow.

@stevesn

We did talk about her therapy. She’s not terribly pleased so far but I keep encouraging her to stick with it. Must be painful to dig up everything from her past and discuss what she did.

We’ve talked some about her feeling pressured, and I think she’s come to grips with that while she felt surprised by my proposal she chose to be with me and chose to get married. I never said I’d leave if she had said no.