I don’t know where to start.
I feel depleted.
I don’t know what shifted in me, but I feel distant 1million years, powerless, hopeless, unmotivated, deeply sad.
Even if by a miracle, tomorrow my H woke up all healed and forgiving, I think I’d still feel shattered because… there is nothing left to rebuild. And I would knew the healing is a rouse.
I had this picture in my head, that our relationship was in rubble but we could use that material to rebuild something new. But now I feel like the rubbles have been pulverised. So I am lost, the cord has been cute, all that remain is the pain and anger (my BS’)
Members of this community used different metaphors in the past to make me see how things are (e.g. the cake one).
But the above capture exactly why I feel how I feel.
Nearly 1 year has passed, and it’s just all worse. All worse. We had a peak in intimacy for some time, better communication, I learnt things, worked many things through. Bla, bla, bla.
But now, it’s just worse. Are we even still human beings? Or just the BS and the deeply flawed wayward.
Even work is going sh*t. I have been missing so many days and important stuff (because they were triggers for my BS, although I am in a different setting now, miles and miles away) that also that part of me doesn’t exist anymore (being excellent at my job). And I don’t care about work itself right now, I don’t care about my career, what hurts is that another part of me is becoming flawed.
Until a week ago, after bad days, getting closer with my BS made me feel always happy and hopeful for the future. Now it’s like a void and nobody has anything left to give. There is only pain all around.
I look at my BS and I feel so bad for what I did to him, but I also feel tired of being a punching bag and having almost every conversation turning into another argument exercise of how it’s all my fault, how shitty I am, how the original sin was also probably caused by me. (My BS is not abusive)
And I know it’s all true.
My therapist gave me some exercises for re-centring myself when I start spiralling like this.
Please note, I know I am not the victim. I know all of it. But I needed to let it out.
I am not putting a stop sign because there are some BS members that I respect and always have wise words.
But please, if you can, don’t call me out like "well, what did you expect?" Because I am already telling myself that after re-reading my words.
