SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I may be a week or two early, but close enough to ten years of sitting with the harsh reality of existence after my wife confessed (18-years after it was over) about her A.

I still wouldn't wish the unique pain of it all on anyone.

I don't miss the anger, sadness, sleep deprivation and the endless circle of thoughts, as my brain tried to find a path that didn't include the horror show.

It turns out, those thoughts are like luggage -- rarely useful, and always in storage.

This is part of the update where I mention that I don't care whether you R, or D -- or something in between, I just hope you find your way to the other side of all the trauma we endure.

As for me, I utilized the A to step back and re-evaluate everything in life.

The reset allowed me to only stay in the M if it was worthy of my time and effort.

And yes, an M should be balanced, so if we stayed together, it had to be a great relationship for my wife too.

Some fascinating things happened for us. Some people really change to make the most of their opportunity to rebuild the M from the ground up.

My wife isn't the only one who changed in positive ways, I have too.

There isn't any way we wanted this to be our path, her causing pain and me trying to heal from it.

However, we found that by acknowledging all of it, the good, and the worst of it, our present day is BETTER than ever.

Because we cannot change the past, we cannot make up for lost or stolen moments, but we can try to make up for it anyway by being kinder, and more loving than we ever were before.

When I mentioned the thoughts are always around, like luggage, yet we do have a vote on how we feel or how long we linger on thoughts (positive or negative).

That vote, that voice, the choice we have to focus on the better days and better moments is powerful and it isn't magic, it is just a better way to spend the day in gratitude than living in the past.

Part of my acceptance is that I will always hate the A, I'll never be okay with it. For me, it is a rare case that hate can be useful tool. I think pretending it didn't happen is far worse, or pretending the past didn't happen always catches up to people. I find it healthy to accept that it DID happen and it isn't okay.

That helps me when I do get a reminder of the tougher days. I know where they fit on the calendar, and none of it is happening today.

Anyone who goes for R, I hope you only continue to do it if the M becomes worthy of you.

Life is way too short to be and stay miserable (I tired misery for a while, it is easy, but not worth going back to).

My wife truly is the sum of ALL of her choices, and I find the good in her is so much more than her worst days and worst choices.

I am grateful for this place, as before SI, I didn't even know R was possible.

I am grateful for the work I did, and my wife did, so far.

Back to work at it tomorrow, aiming for a new day of more peace, kindness and care.

You were and are an inspiration to me, IT. If hope given could ever be quantified, you would be a world champion, giving light in the darkest places. Bless you, you will always have my gratitude.

Brother, I'm happy for you. I was going to post one my "drive-by" smile faces and leave it at that. You mean too much to me - and this community as a whole - for something that simple.

I love this. And I love what you say about how you both worked to make the marriage balanced and worthwhile for both you and your wife.

It’s nice to see someone with experience confirm what I have thought and posted several times:
It’s the WORK we do as individuals and as partners that drives reconciliation, and that it goes way beyond "simply" recovering from the affair. It’s an ongoing process, sort of like one can take a year to get from morbidly unhealthy to doing twice-weekly 10 mile runs, but you also need to continue after that first year if you want to remain in good health.

Anyone who goes for R, I hope you only continue to do it if the M becomes worthy of you.

Thank you for writing this Oldwounds - there is something very calm and grounded in the way you have put this. That line really stayed with me because it feels both honest and self respecting and appreciated what you said about accepting that it did happen and that it is not okay rather than trying to minimise it or tidy it away. Thank you for sharing where ten years has brought you.

Super! Thanks for sharing.

IH-

You were and are an inspiration to me, IT. If hope given could ever be quantified, you would be a world champion, giving light in the darkest places. Bless you, you will always have my gratitude.

Thank you and you are way too kind, as always.

That said, you are also a champion of bringing light to dark places, I incredibly happy you have found a new beginning and that you continue to be a bad ass Dad!

Brother Unhinged --

I am grateful for your support here from the jump, and am glad that you are continuing to heal.

I think it may be time to change your screen name.

Your recent posts are dropping serious wisdom around here every time I log in, and you seem very HINGED these days.

If Hinged sounds too weird as new screen name, maybe....Aristotle?

That dude was good with ethics too.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 7:30 PM, Tuesday, May 12th]

Hey Evio,

I hope your healing is going as well as is possible!

And I love what you say about how you both worked to make the marriage balanced and worthwhile for both you and your wife.

We had to make the M we always wanted and needed, or we needed to move on.

So, yes, super important to me that my wife healed too, that she feels that she is seen for the good in her and not just the things she did wrong.

After all, I am not perfect either.

Well, fairly close, but there are some flaws...

Hey Bigger!

It’s an ongoing process...

I think that process and work is a part of every healthy relationship, it just took a lot of extra work to put the M back together.

To your point though, I think I've seen Sisoon often say, "R becomes the M."

It does and the work continues.

Speaking of Sisoon and his post to the thread:

Super! Thanks for sharing.

Well, no chance I'm sharing good things without all of your help over the years good Sir!

Thank you.

ButterflyInProgress. --

First, what a fantastic choice for a screen name for the forum!

I too am a work in progress.

That line really stayed with me because it feels both honest and self respecting and appreciated what you said about accepting that it did happen and that it is not okay rather than trying to minimise it or tidy it away. Thank you for sharing where ten years has brought you.

If any of my experience helps anyone, by accident or on purpose, it is worth taking the time to share it.

Some folks are taken aback by me continuing to hate the A.

For me, it was the healthiest step I ever took.

All A's hurt people and there is no way to spin some kind of appreciation for it.

As my favorite Stoic philosophers remind me, it is not the adversity that gets us, it is how we CHOOSE to respond to said adversity that counts.

I hope you are healing up at a healthy pace!

You are truly one of the success stories here. I have always admired how you were able to take a step back, evaluate the situation you were in, decided what you wanted which was a healthy marriage, and made it happen.

For the life of me I can’t understand how you did it, but you did. The concept of someone having a healthy and better marriage after infidelity is just so foreign to me. When I first came here I was convinced that a marriage couldn’t possibly be better, unless it truly sucked prior was an impossible task. Yet you did it. You and a few others have changed my opinion, which is very hard to do as once I get an idea in my head it’s hard for me to admit I was wrong. Yet you and a few others have done that.

You are an inspiration for those looking into the abyss and thinking things could never be good. You have found the good and even more.

Congratulations!!

The mighty WWTL!

I hope you are well.

Thanks for the very kind words.

Despite our very different paths through Hell, you helped me a bunch on mine.

You were able to directly and succinctly boil away all the bull and always expressed your unfiltered pain -- which really set up my starting point.

With the clarity you provided, I was able to ditch the save my M at any cost mentality and get to work on what I needed and wanted.

The concept of someone having a healthy and better marriage after infidelity is just so foreign to me.

It was to me as well, at least to start (which would be the first 3-YEARS).

Two people have to really, really want to go after a last chance. That's the only way I know how to explain it.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 11:07 PM, Tuesday, May 12th]