SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

(38M) am doing a 6 month seperation from my wife (39F) after 18 years of being together 16 years of marriage. We have 4 kids, 2 teenagers and 2 toddlers. I will start from the beginning. Towards the beginning of the marriage I started watching porn which was against one of her boundaries. She was very anti cheating and anti porn. I was caught multiple times but kept doing it. That was about 3 years into the marriage. 12 years ago I stopped watching porn because I knew I needed to change. I had a lot of shame and remorse for what I did and put her through. From finding out about multiple times put her in an I don't care mindset. Even after I quit and adjusted my priorities to more to her and the family she maintained that mindset.

She got to a point a couple years ago where she did not care about anything. Me, the marriage, nothing (except kids). I could tell she was changing without her saying anything and it caused tension. She was not acting herself and not acting towards me how she had for years. When I would bring it up she would get defensive. A little over a year ago we tried an in house seperation, but it was hard with all the kids.

Last May we started couples therapy. It was going ok, but my anxiety was bad because I had found out she was sending pictures to guys on snapchat (this was a couple months before therapy). Things were still rocky, but very slowly improving. We had a stint where things were good for about 2 months. I came home one day recently and she was way off. Hiding in the backyard on her phone all night. I did some digging and foud out she was messaging other guys. Through my investigating I found out she was sending nudes to other guys and had an affair last year. Shes says something is broken in her and she had the affair and talking to other guys to see if she could find what was broken.

We are going to do a 6 month out of home seperation with her moving to an apartment. I do not feel any remorse or regret from her which makes this feel like it will be really hard to reconsile. She justifies what she did by saying she was trying to find herself. I do want to try and reconsile and I want to have my old wife back. If she is justifying what she did, it does not feel like she is in a place that she wants to, although she says she does. She said she needs space, but I have so many questions about the infidelity it builds up my anxiety really high and if I ask it pushes her away and makes her anxiety high. I just don't know how to navigate all of this and feel like i am losing my mind and my life is falling apart.

Sorry you had to find us. Check out the healing library here. Pay particular attention to the simplified 180. Also read the pinned posts at the top of this forum.

We are going to do a 6 month out of home seperation with her moving to an apartment. I do not feel any remorse or regret from her which makes this feel like it will be really hard to reconsile.

It’s not going to be hard to reconcile, it’s going to be impossible. You literally can’t do it by yourself.

She said she needs space

She’s going to use her space the same way every active wayward does, she’s going to be living as if she’s single.

I just don't know how to navigate all of this and feel like i am losing my mind and my life is falling apart.

This is where the 180 comes in. It’s to provide you with some emotional stability so you can begin to heal and act in you and your kids best interests.

Check out therapy with someone who is versed in betrayal trauma. Consult with a lawyer or three and file. Doing things on her timeline won’t bring her back. In fact you’re validating her decision to leave the marriage. It’s called doing the pick me dance and it’s reinforcing the narrative in her head.

In short, start moving forward out of infidelity. If she pulls her head out of her ass and starts to follow then you can decide if you have anything to work with.

Welcome to SI and so sorry you're going through infidelity. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read, as well as some with bull's eye icons. Those aren't pinned, so you may need to scroll to find them.

If you're having trouble with depression/anxiety or sleeping, talk to your doctors for some meds. You can take them to help you through this terrible first part. Also, you should probably be tested for STDs/STIs. There are some nasty diseases out there.

If your WW (wayward wife) is willing to work on R (reconciliation), then she should read the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. Another great resource is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. As asc1226 mentioned, you can't drag an unwilling spouse through R.

The 180 will help you emotionally detach. Practice self-care and find out what you want. Unfortunately, there's no going back.

You may wish to stop CC at this time. The therapist may fire your wife from treatment if she's lied to the therapist. I agree about IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist. They're very helpful.

Very sorry you find yourself here but you will receive good support. You’ve already received great advice. Do get checked out for STD’s and see an attorney to learn your rights. One of the hardest things to wrap your head around in dealing with infidelity is the realization that you can’t control your WW. You can’t fix her or nice her back. You seem to believe that something you did during your M caused your WW to cheat. Nothing could be further from the truth. But if you can convince yourself that your WW cheated because you watched porn twelve years ago, or because you did not meet her needs, then you can fix it by being a better partner.

Actually, nothing you did or didn’t do in your M caused her to cheat. If she was unhappy in your M she had lots of legitimate options to address those issues without cheating. She is broken. You are separated and she is showing no signs of remorse for her cheating. Now is the time to take care of you. Always value yourself. Implement a hard 180. Take care of your children. Get healthy. Exercise, pursue your interests, and only communicate with your WW for finances and child issues. Live your life. If your WW pulls her head out of the fog and wants to pursue a R with a strong partner she sees moving on with his life, you can consider her efforts if you so choose. If she stays in the fog and shows no remorse or desire to R, you have already moved along the way to healing and rebuilding your life. It’s hard. It’s painful. But you will get through this.