SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I will start with a brief explanation of whats going on. I'm 63 and my wife is 73. Her cell had a cracked which I have been trying to fix for weeks. She finally gave in, the first thing I found was approximately 150 Apple Gift Card photos with the numbers scratched off. She came clean and said been tik tok ing and FB and email, with Stephen Baldwin.

She truly believes it"s him! She has been sending him the cards almost every day. I collect SSD and she collects SS. She also works as a home health aide We are on a very tight budget. She lost her job in Feb. We split bills down the middle and she hasn't paid her personal bills in months nor contributed to the household it has been all on me.

He had asked her if she could take out a loan and send it to him. So she replied to a text she received telling her she was approved for a $7000 load (scam too) the person cleaned out her bank account! She had to close the account. So she started get a psychical check which she would cash and tell me that she couldn't pay for anything.

We have our grandson living with us there was no food for him to eat. I ended up going to food pantries to get him food. He had told me she forced him to show her how to send someone a gift card, he gave in. We found out about all of this almost a week ago. He ended up going to his cousins house, he texted me told me he was staying for at least a few weeks. He is blaming himself for everything.

Tonight he asked her if she could if she could take out one of those tribal loans that charge like 40% interest. She told him she doesn't have a bank account that maybe she could use mine! WTF!

She actually came home tonight and said she had a GREAT idea how to catch up on our bills (Tribal Loan). I don't kown what her paln is but I told her no.

Ok I'll get to the point I am a computer programmer by profession, and yes I have access to a hidden email she created on her computer he must have told her how to do it. Also I bought her the iphone she uses. When I set up her Apple ID I used one of my email address. I have the phone doing an Icloud back up. So I can see the photos of the gift cards. Son and Daughter keep telling her that it is a Romance scam she agrees with them and will stop, she tells me she knows it's not Baldwin. But tells him about our conversations and she really knows it's him! Doesn't look like it will end anytime soon :(

I have reported this twice to the FBI website and filed twice with google to get his Gmail account banned. Apple tried helping me but I did have any photos of the front of the cards. I am here looking for any advice on what I can do next! I'm at a loss and heart broken we have been together for 25 years!

Thanks for Reading!

XO

[This message edited by Xoplex at 3:40 PM, Sunday, May 11th]

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry your wife is committing financial infidelity as well as a possible emotional affair (EA). There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that have lots of great information. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and is another great resource.

One thing that I'll suggest is she see a doctor for a workup to see if she has something medical going on.

Is your WW (wayward wife) owning up to her mistakes and willing to stop? She should read How to Help Your Spouse to Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. Not Just Friends by Dr Shirley Glass is a good resource, too. You can read them, too. She needs to go NC (no contact) with "Stephen Baldwin" and provide electronic transparency.

Good luck and keep posting.

Thanks for the info. Unfortunately she admits what she is doing, she tells me she loves him and she is not willing to stop. She tells me she thinks it might be a scammer but she goes right back to chatting and believing it really is him. She plays house with me tells me she is done sending him money and she goes and sends more. She has been spending more time with me but then she goes upstairs and tells him everything we talked about!

I also should have mention that we sleep in separate rooms. I have a bad heart and I can't walk up stairs. She is up in our room with the cats, and I have a bedroom on the first floor with my dogs :) Once she goes upstairs she contacts him for hours. I am constantly obsessing about it that I am making myself sick I am starting to have more heart episodes daily. I have a procedure on May 29th. So I can't make any drastic decisions till afterwords. All I do is spy and hope she will come to her senses and stop, which is unlikely.

She herself admits it may be a mental issue she is talking to her therapist about it. Son and daughter keep telling her to go for tests. She tells everyone what they want to hear, then goes behind everyone's back.

I will start reading all your suggestions! Thank you,

XO

See a lawyer. Best bet is someone who is certified in Elder Law. You can check with your State’s Bar Association to find out if any are near you. Or call the county court house and find out which office handles guardianships then see if a clerk will give you a list of lawyers who practice in your local guardianship hearings. Your wife is wasting marital funds and putting herself in danger of insolvency. She may need a financial guardian (or Representative Payee for Social Security payments). She is not fully competent. It could be caused by a mental illness or a physical illness. But that is secondary right now. Your ship is taking on water and you need to plug the hole, then figure out why it sprang a leak.

Physician here. This is dementia, I’d bet money.

Take her phone. Like physically take the phone. Shut it off- you bought it for her, so you’re on the account, right?

Make her see a doctor (not the ER, but a primary care doc in the office). We can’t fix this, but maybe it will help her gain insight? Or rule out a brain tumor we can treat?

Get an attorney. Buckle up, it’s going to be ugly. I’d take away all of the ways she can reach him. This is not an affair per se, it’s dementia. I would immediately take over everything I could if I were you. Like I’d take credit cards, phones, report her cards stolen. I would empty what’s left of her account behind her back. It would look like I was abusive. She’s not ok. I know that this is painful, and I’m sorry for that. I’m also suggesting some stuff that might be illegal. But she’s not right in the head, and it’s kind of not her fault in a way. Maybe you can make her think he did it, too? Then protect it from her in your account?

That’s does not mean it doesn’t hurt like hell, or that you need to stick around for this shit show. But- Think of this as a psychotic break and you’re keeping her safe. Until things can be stabilized. Alternatively, this will be a shit show as she declines. You can also save yourself and divorce her. Is that an option for you?

This is textbook dementia stuff. Textbook.

My spouse is having issues, too. I get it. Not as bad. Yet. It’s been 25 years of marriage here. I get it.

I would also contact the scammer. Not sure how or what I’d say, but I would. Maybe pretend to be her lawyer or something? This might take a two pronged approach. But she might do it again with another scammer.

I would also manipulate your wife and tell her something about him that would disgust her . Maybe fake a picture of him having sex with another man. Or getting married or having sex with a dog. Whatever would viscerally turn her off. You can get this stuff on the internet or ask an AI bot to do it. There are apps that you can enter in "Make me a picture of Stephen Baldwin kissing a horse with his mouth open while wearing leather pants" and it does it. Google Artifical Intelligence pictures. Usually the apps cost a few bucks.) Might be able to fool her if she has dementia.

Get her kids involved. This affects them, as well.

I’m sorry about your heart issues. I hope your procedure goes well. My husband had an ablation for his afib, too. Two actually. He said it wasn’t too bad.

Thank you everyone. To the Physician that's what I'm afraid of even the kids believe it is too. Unfortunately I am trapped, but I do love her deeply and don't want to leave her, neither one of us can afford to live on our own. She actually came down this morning and told me that we may be right about the mental illness. So hopefully this may be the start of her getting help!! But I am still leery because she has been more open but not totally honest. So I am not sure if she means it or if she is just telling me what she thinks I want to hear.

I am so glad I found this site, you have given me great insight. I have calmed do some.

Thanks
XO

Keep in mind that a married couple in PA (the state you give as your location) are considered to have combined finances.
If she took out a 7000 loan, or if she’s not paying her "personal" bills... debt collectors won’t take half the living-room, half the furniture or anything like that.
You need to take serious financial precautions to prevent the outlay of cash from her – be that transfer, gift-cards or whatever.
That can include letting her bank know, capping her credit-cards, freezing her credit ratings... whatever.

Bigger- do you mean they CAN take half? Your text says can’t.

Freeze everything, Bro. Everything. Take her phone from her or shut it off from afar. Report it all stolen. Because it was.

I’m so sorry.

Retired attorney here. Many states, including PA according to a quick Google search, follow the common law Doctrine Of Necessaries, which means that a spouse is obligated to pay the debts of the other spouse for "necessaries". One of the wonders of our federated system is that each state has their own law and their courts hand down their own interpretations. So the law is different in each state. A "necessary" would likely be food, clothing, shelter, medical care. Gifts to scammers or loans to enable gifts probably not necessaries, but as I said, each state has their own take on things. So OP needs to see a licensed PA attorney for advice he can count on.

3 yrs, if a debt is determined to be for a necessary, each spouse is 100% liable. So if the wife owes the money but has empty pockets, the creditor can collect all of the debt from a solvent husband, or vice versa. When I read Bigger’s post I assumed he was talking about a creditor levying on the marital possessions, all the possessions, and not just the half that belong to the spouse who took out the loan.

OP’s wife needs a guardian. To get her one she needs to be adjudicated incompetent (now "incapacitated" in PA) to handle her own finances. According to Google and the Disability Rights of PA website, you file in the Court of Common Pleas, Orphans Court Division). Once adjudicated all the contracts she signed can be voided by the guardian and monies flowing through Social Security can be safe-guarded via the Representative Payee System. In my state you can have a guardian just for finances if you can handle all the rest of life’s issues, like for example consenting for medical care or voting. No idea about PA. Once a creditor is put on notice of the incompetency (or incapacity) adjudication, they cannot look to the other spouse to pay any debt later acquired by the adjudicated spouse.

Thank you all I now have a lot to look into on Monday!

Yes mostly everything is in my name :(

[This message edited by Xoplex at 11:34 PM, Sunday, May 11th]

To clarify: Your assets can be at risk if your wife defaults.
As a rule I hate legal advice offered on this site – even if it’s me that’s offering it. There are so many variables that are different between states, countries and all that. But I do think the post above should be read with the seriousness it deserves.